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I Was Ill So I Read Some Gossip Online. Here Are My Reactions. - Coast

Again, I’m Not Your Target Audience

A little while ago, I wrote a post about not being the target audience for the Bruno Mars song ‘Grenade’, and ever since I wrote that post, I find myself dissecting every song I hear on the radio. It’s becoming quite the bad habit and it usually involves me singing along enthusiastically until I realize what I’m saying and then laughing hysterically at the words and then writing a blog post in my head. Being in the car with me is kind of like being in the car with a non-violent maniac. Anyway, on my way to work the other day, I heard ‘Tonight’ by Enrique Iglesias and couldn’t resist the temptation to listen closely to the lyrics. I wasn’t disappointed. I’m also definitely not the target audience.
I know you want me Um, conceited much?
I made it obvious that I want you too Oh, I wouldn’t say composing a sexually charged song was “obvious”.
So put it on me Put *what* on you exactly? Because if you mean put your coat on you as I send you out the door, I think you’re going to be pretty happy with what’s about to happen.
Let’s remove the space between me and you Is this some type of physics problem? Or is it existential?
Now rock your body Like, throw my body against the rocks because this song is making me suicidal? Or did you mean dance?
Damn I like the way that you move Oh, ok. You definitely meant dance.
So give it to me Give what to you? If you want a present for this song, you’re going to be sorely disappointed.
Cause I already know what you wanna do You think you know me?! You think *you* know *me*?! I don’t think so pal.
Here’s the situation With Wolf Blitzer?
Been to every nation Now, you’re just bragging.
Nobody’s ever made me feel the way that you do Emasculated? Weak? Nauseous? I need a clue.
You know my motivation I really don’t think I do. Unless it’s what I think it is. It is, isn’t it? You perv.
Given my reputation Oh yeah, I’ve heard all about you mister man. And I am NOT impressed.
Please excuse I don’t mean to be rude That’s something people say when they do mean to be rude but don’t want to be called on it.
But tonight I’m loving you Uh, no you’re not.
Oh you know No, I don’t.
That tonight I’m loving you Again, the answer is no.
Oh you know Seriously, I don’t.
That tonight I’m loving you No means no, dude. No means no.
You’re so damn pretty Ok. Flattery is good way to recover.
If I had a type than baby it’d be you What’s my “type”? Because if you say “funny” while using sarcastic air quotes, I’m going to punch you in the thorax.
I know your ready Ready for this song to be over? Absolutely. Definitely. Make that happen.
If I never lied, than baby you’d be the truth Um…I’m not really that good at riddles.
Here’s the situation Where the hell is Wolf Blitzer? Is he hiding around here somewhere?
Been to every nation Braggadocio is very un-sexy. You should know that.
Nobody’s ever made me feel the way that you do Perhaps you need a Tums?
You know my motivation Yeah, at this point I think I do. And I am NOT having it. Not. Having. It.
Given my reputation For being a douche canoe?
Please excuse I don’t mean to be rude You do mean to be rude. You do. You do. You. Do. Rude. You. Rude.
But tonight I’m loving you You’re really not. Not at all. Not even a little.
Oh you know I know. But what I know isn’t what you think I know. You know?
That tonight I’m loving you Nope. Not happening. On a scale from 1-10, 1 being least likely and 10 being most likely, I would give your chance of “loving me” tonight a 0.
Oh you know Yeah, I’m not sure you’re picking up what I’m laying down here- which, just to be clear, is NOT my body.
That tonight I’m loving you I tried to reason with you, this is just one of those cases where diplomacy failed. Time for the pepper spray.
I’m sorry, but does this song seem presumptuous to anyone else? I mean, sheesh Enrique, we just met. Put the brakes on. This song has a catchy little beat but don’t be distracted by it! Enrique Iglesias is trying to sex you up. If you’re cool with that, then go for it. But, as he himself said “given his reputation” I would use protection. Like, a hazmat suit. So, again, I’m probably not the target audience here.

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