November 16, 2011 by
Towards the end of a wedding, the bride usually turns around and tosses her bouquet at all the single gals attending her wedding, whoever catches it is supposedly the next to get married. They do this at most weddings. It’s always ridiculous.
First of all, all the single girls get, for lack of a better word, “singled” out and are asked to gather their single selves in some location where everyone else at the wedding can gawk at them and remark under their breathes about how unfortunate it is that these girls are single. It’s mortifying, even if you’re happily single, it’s mortifying. Since it’s release Beyonce’s “Single Ladies” has become the siren call to single girls at weddings that it’s time for them to gather and be gawked at. And I like that song, but weddings have ruined it a bit for me.
Once the gals are gathered the bride turns her back to them (effectively shunning her single friends by literally turning her back on them- they’re on their own now…) and then launches her bridal bouquet in the air. At this point, the bridal bouquet is the last chance any of these single girls has for romantic happiness. Naturally, since their entire romantic future rests on the trajectory of that bouquet, ladies get a little vicious. I’m talking shoving, pushing, pinching, tackling, wrestling, and scratching. It happens. These lovely ladies are willing to suffer all kinds of wardrobe malfunctions and physical injury in order to get that bouquet. Finally, after much tussling and general ridiculousness, one woman emerges victorious and the smile on her face let’s you know how overjoyed she is that shortly, she too, will be able to turn her back on her single friends and throw a bunch of flowers in their faces. Basically, it’s The Hunger Games of weddings, except no one dies (unless you count their souls because plenty of those die).
I hate the bouquet toss. Hate. It. Usually, I don’t even participate because I sure as hell didn’t get all dressed up and prettified just so some single bridesmaid could scratch my arm and mess up my hair in an effort to end her single woes. Occasionally, I am forced into it and in those cases, I don’t even look. I keep my eyes firmly on the ground, that way, the bouquet will literally have to hit me in the head to get my attention. I refuse to even look at it. Why? Because that bunch of tightly wrapped flowers doesn’t own me or my romantic future. It’s my way of silently saying “This is some bullshit y’all”.
If you’re not convinced that the bouquet toss is ridiculous, then allow me explain further how awkward this is by talking about every scenario possible.
1. You’re single and you catch the bouquet. So what? You’re supposed to meet someone now? It’s going to magically happen because the bundle of roses and lilies declared it so? Nope. But even the most logical amongst you are going to give some credence to these thoughts. Every guy you meet for the next few months might be the man the bouquet fortold of! And maybe he is, I can’t tell the future, but probably he isn’t. And then you’re disappointed and the bridal bouquet has won.
2. You’re in a relationship and you catch the bouquet. Wowza. Talk about pressure. All of the sudden, everything is going to get real serious yo. Instead of enjoying the relationship, you’re going to start focusing on the future and wondering when he’s finally going to pop the question. You’re going to expect him to. And maybe he should, maybe it’s time for that, maybe you’ve already discussed it with him, but probably not. And then you’re disappointed and the bridal bouquet has won.
3. You’re single and you don’t catch the bouquet. I hope those panty-hose have plenty of room because you are about to hit that wedding cake pretty hard. Again, the bridal bouquet has won.
4. You’re in a relationship and you don’t catch the bouquet. Is he the wrong guy!? Why didn’t the bouquet choose you!? What does it all mean??!! You’re about to take a trip down worry road which leads all the way to over-analyzation-ville. Also, the road is not paved and has lots of potholes. Enjoy. The bridal bouquet wins again!
I mean, I feel like I shouldn’t even have to say it again but, catching the bouquet is ridiculous. Ya with me?
November 16, 2011 by