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I Can’t Tell You, But If You Guess…… |  - Sony Cyber-shot DSC-F828

Christian Bale Is My Homie

September 21, 2011 by
So, I’m at the Cut Copy show at ACL just minding my own music loving business when I notice a camera crew setting up and a small cluster of people around it. Being a curious cat that has so far escaped being killed, I checked it out. What I saw was a good looking man who resembled Christian Bale. The following is my internal discussion….
Whoa. That guy looks like Christian Bale. Could that be Christian Bale? No way. What would Christian Bale be at ACL for? Although, I did hear that Jake Gyllenhaal always comes to ACL. Why can’t *he* ever be the sweaty guy bumping into me at the Arcade Fire show? Nah. That’s not Christian Bale, he’s too skinny. Christian Bale is probably in Batman shape right now. Also, I think he’s taller. Oh well.
Then, I sat back down on my blanket and refocused my attention on the Cut Copy concert. (Sidenote: Cut Copy annihilated their set- it was musical heaven y’all) A few minutes later, I realize I have to pee, which is basically the one thing you don’t ever want to do at ACL because port-o-potties are yucky. Luckily for me, the port-o-potties were located right next to the stage so I still got to listen to Cut Copy while I waited in line. (Another side note: While I was using the port-o-potty, Cut Copy really jacked up the bass and there was one moment where I was sure we were having an earthquake and I was going to die in a port-o-potty) So, I finish up my trip to the port-o-potties with a heavy dose of antibacterial hand sanitizer and head back to my blanket. At that point, I noticed I had a missed call from my friend Mary. I called her back. This is our conversation.
Mary: You need to get back here immediately. (She said with a tone of urgency that should only be reserved for life and death situations and Christian Bale sightings)
Me: I’m trying. I’m lost.
Mary: I’m exactly where you left me.
Me: I know. I’m lost all the same.
Mary: Ok, walk towards the bar and then turn right.
Me: Your right or my right?
Mary: Just get back here!
This went on for a couple minutes……
Me: Oh! There you are! What’s the urgency?
Mary: Christian Bale is here!!!! It’s Christian Bale!
Me: Oh that was him! I thought it might be him but he seemed too skinny and short.
Mary: It’s definitely him.
Me: He’s fiiiiiiiiinnnnnnneeeeee.
Then, I took out my camera and snapped this picture.
He’s the one in all black wearing the sunglasses. Not to be redundant but he is fiiiiiiiiiinnnnneeee. I’m feel really confident that when I took that picture our eyes met, even though our eyes couldn’t meet because he was looking the other direction, and we forged a bond that neither time nor steel wool can break.
That’s what really happened. This is what happened in my head.
Me: Christian! It’s me! GotC!
Christian Bale: Oh my zeus! I love your blog! Can we be homies for life?
Me: Obviously! Because if there is one thing I believe it’s that headlines don’t sell papes. Newsies sell papes!
Christian Bale: Would you like to join me in singing a medley of songs from Newsies?
Me: How unexpected and not at all insinuated in my previous comment! I would love to C-Bale!
Jake Gyllenhaal: Whoa! Can I join in too?
Me: Wherever did you come from Jake?
Jake Gyllenhaal: Your dreams. And that’s not just a pick-up line because this is actually a dream.
Me: Let’s all sing together!
Jake and Christian: Yeah! (They both jump in the air to further demonstrate their jubilation).
Later, we get dinner together and talk about the screenplay I wrote for Newsies 2: Return of the Papes and about how it’s really awesome that Christian and I are both Welsh even though he’s really Welsh and I’m just an American with Welsh ancestry. And then Jake Gyllenhaal asks if he can be in Newsies 2: Return of the Papes and also if he can be my boyfriend. I tell him he can be in Newsies 2 but I’m not really interested in him as a boyfriend. SIKE! I totally make-out with him and then later on in the fantasy we take a couples trip to a bed and breakfast in Vermont. But even though Jake is my man, Christian Bale is my homie for life- especially after he wins another oscar for Newsies 2: Return of the Papes.
If you’re interested Newsies 2: Return of the Papes is the story of how all the original newsies were vampires (they’re so hot right now) and are courageously fighting to preserve the newspaper. It’s a powerful tale filled with vampires, music, and newspapers. This time they’re not fighting Pulitzer- they’re fighting a modern societal shift in the way news is delivered. (I’m still working on the tagline…..)