On Monday, I went to Pottermore.com for the first time. WHY HAVE I NOT DONE THIS BEFORE?
I received my wand (rowan with a unicorn hair core, 14 1/2 inches, slightly yielding) and was sorted into my house. I’m a Ravenclaw!
I am almost embarrassed by how happy this made me. Like, it felt like J.K. herself met me, and was like “Oh yeah. You’re a Ravenclaw.” which is just like the best thing ever.
Anyway, I guess my thought is: Wit beyond measure is man’s greatest treasure.
Do NOT pull an April Fools prank where you tell people you are pregnant unless you are prepared to be told “I thought you looked pregnant”.
Welcome to Austin SXSW-ers! Please don’t move here, our traffic is bad enough.
Here is a shocker, I didn’t keep any of my New Year’s resolutions from last year. None of them. I was the best at not keeping resolutions.
But no more! Probably.
I am going to give this resolution thing one more try, and this time, I’m sticking to what I’m pretty good at. Reading.
I’m going to read a non-fiction book on each state. So, exactly 50 books. And I am going to learn the shit out of each of those books. I’m going to learn them so hard. Because I’m bettering myself this year. With knowledge.
Knowledge = Power. By 2015 I WILL BE THE MOST POWERFUL IN THE WORLD.
What is your resolution?
On my way back from NYC last week, I was flipping through a SkyMall (because frankly, that shit cracks me up), when I found something that would CHANGE MY LIFE.
A Harry Potter magic wand remote control.
Just think of all the spells I could cast! Anytime someone that I didn’t like came on TV, I would be like “Petrificus Totalas!” and it would freeze the screen (pause it). OR, if I was watching a History Channel special on Hitler, I would be like “Avada Kedavra!” and then I would have KILLED HITLER. (aka, turned off the TV).
I need this wand in my life so bad y’all.
The one and only thing I’ve thought about North West (Kim and Kanye’s kid), is that I really hope that when she turns 11, she pulls a real North (like the movie) and sues her parents and then has two months to either find new parents or live with the ones she’s got. Spoiler alert – she’ll realize in the end how much she loves Kim and Kanye and how much she wants them to keep being her parents.
NEW ORLEANS EDITION Y’ALL!!!
So, the good Captain and I spent Labor Day weekend in New Orleans with our friends, The Spinsters, Professor McGregor, and the Yeti. And it was sheer delight y’all, sheer delight. New Orleans is one of my very favorite cities in the world and I practically run there every chance I get. (By practically run, I mean I get in the car and drive the speed limit)
I have many MANY favorite places to eat in New Orleans. MANY. But, there are a few that I think of first.
Le Bayou. It’s on Bourbon Street and it has my absolute favorite version of shrimp and grits ever because their shrimp and grits also has friend green tomatoes. And I just drooled on myself…….also, they have chipotle smoked oysters that are the stuff happy dreams are made of.
Luke. Labor Day weekend was the first time I had been here but it will not be the last. Their drinks are very tasty and so is the food. ALTHOUGH- do not have more than one drink before your food arrives, it will make you…uh….wobbly. Specifically a drink called the “Riverbend”. A friend asked me to tell you that. Also, the oysters were exceptionally fresh and the crab omelet exceptionally delicious.
American Sector. Same chef (John Besh) as Luke, so obviously he is my spirit chef. This restaurant is at the WWII Museum, which you absolutely MUST go to, and then you absolutely MUST eat at American Sector. Good everything. Really. Captain Thoughtful and I have eaten here like 10 times and never had a bad meal.
Cochon Butcher. Best sandwich of my life. OF MY LIFE. Get thee there as fast as you can.
Haunted History Ghost Tours. They fun, they’re informative, they stop at Lafitte’s Bar and you need to get a grape Voodoo and then things will get awesome. Also, during the day, go on one of their cemetery tours, they are also really really well done.
WWII Museum. Overwhelming. Powerful. Educational. Make sure you reserve a day to explore, it’s a very moving place to be and also make sure you talk to some of the WWII veterans who are always there- they have some incredible stories to share.
French Quarter. It’s so much more than Bourbon Street. There are some amazing antique shops, old book shops, art galleries, street vendors, basically all kinds of awesomeness.
This is just the tip of the favorite things iceberg y’all. Go to New Orleans. Now. You’ll probably find me and Captain Thoughtful there.
San Diego Comic-Com was a couple weeks ago and though I’ve never been before I REALLY WANT TO GO SO PLEASE BUY ME A TICKET FOR NEXT YEAR OK THANKS.
And really, you should want me to go, because my cosplay would be Captain America. Except I’m a girl so it would be a girl Captain America who also happens to be Buffy The Vampire Slayer.
Your head just exploded because that is the best cosplay idea of all time thankyouverymuch. I would fight Nazi’s and vampires. And Nazi vampires. And basically, it would be epic and probably Stan Lee and Joss Whedon will want to contact me about making my Lady Captain America The Vampire Slayer into a movie.
In other news, I’m what you might call a “nerd”.
As you all know, I was very ill last week and when people are ill they sometimes do things they don’t usually do. For me, that’s read gossip magazines. Here are my immediate reactions to some of the headlines.
“Prince Harry Has A Crush On Jennifer Lawrence.”
Yes. He does. Because he’s a human person with a people heart. If you don’t have a crush on her, you’re a robot. That’s science.
“New Director Chosen For Jurassic Park 4.”
I literally choked on my jello.
“Veronica Mars Movie- Kickstarter”
I had no voice, so I couldn’t scream but if I could have, I would have. What I did instead was donate and now they are making the movie and now, now, I will have Veronica and Logan CLOSURE.
“Justin Bieber Blasts Lindsay Lohan On Instagram”
I fell asleep halfway through reading this, it was like “Justin Bieber…ZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz”
“Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth Call Off Wedding”
Liam backwards is mail. I need to check my mail.
Anyway, it was a slow week.
Have you heard about the uber-rich-fellow-of-riches (His official title..in my head) who is building a Titanic II???
BUILDING. ANOTHER. TITANIC.
Just let that sink in. Haha get it? *Sink* in. I didn’t even do that on purpose, I’m just naturally hilarious like that. But back to the matter at hand, the Titanic II is a really really terrible idea. It’s the terrible-ist. Remember the first one? IT SANK. People were killed, poor people were locked in steerage, Jack froze to death. I mean, why in the world would you want to build another one of those?
As someone who was profoundly and ashamedly effected by the movie and then who subsequently went on to research everything she could possibly find about the *actual* Titanic, I am horrified by this idea. It’s like flipping off Poseidon. Which, if memory serves, is EXACTLY what they did with the first Titanic by calling it “unsinkable”. Newsflash: Poseidon does not like to have his strength called into question. Doesn’t anyone have to take Greek Mythology anymore?
You could not pay me to get on that boat. Not that they’re doing that. You have to pay boatloads (haha get it- seriously this hilarity is just free flowing out of me) to get a place on the Titanic II. And that is crazy y’all. For lots of reasons, but mainly, and I really can’t stress this enough, IT’S THE TITANIC. Except it’s more like Titanic: The Sequel- Lots More People Die: The Reckoning: Poseidon Is Pissed, which is a really long title and it’s common knowledge the longer the movie title the more tragedy there is. TRAGEDY PEOPLE.
I mean, c’mon. Everyone had to think this is a bad idea? Right? Amiright?
What I’m trying to say is- Check yourself before you LITERALLY wreck yourself. (I am on fire with the jokes today!)