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Flirtation Failure

picture 15 If I’m hiding in a box it’s to jump out and scare you, not flirt with you. Fail.

Hi- my name is and I am a flirtation failure.

I apparently missed that day in high school when cupid or St. Valentine or Rico Suave comes to class and teaches you how to flirt. I must have been sick because I don’t know the first thing about flirting. I don’t like to flirt and even if I did I couldn’t because I am so very very bad at it. This is the gravity of the situation-  even my Mom thinks I’m a bad flirter- like, she thinks I am really really incredibly bad at it. The woman only speaks the truth.  And I know it. I know I’m not good at it, but is it something that you ( and by you I mean me) can learn? Also, if flirting can be learned, can I be bothered to learn it?

As it turns out, flirting is like being nice. Really nice. So I think that might be my first problem. It’s not that I’m not nice. I’m really nice to people in general but, if you act stupid or say something ridiculous I will definitely without hesitation make fun of you and probably turn it into a blog post. And it seems that some people don’t find being made fun of attractive. Huh. Interesting. So that’s one problem I have.

Another problem would be the paralyzing shyness I have when interacting with attractive males. The way I overcome this is to physically hide or run away. I’m perfectly content to do either one. In fact, I’m rather good at it. I’m like a champion hider. No one on this planet can beat me at a game of hide and seek. Those guys probably don’t even notice me anyway because I’m not making eye contact with them. I am keeping my head down and looking for a good hidey-hole. Or I am walking as quickly as possible away from them so they can’t speak to me. Not that they would, but just in case they were lost and needed directions, I need to get away fast. So, I guess that’s strike two.

Anytime I have ever flirted (or attempted unsuccessfully to flirt) I have felt like a complete and total moron afterwards. Like, I think back on what I said and I can’t help but feel that I acted a fool.  Everything I say sounds like it is coming from an insecure 13 year old. I lose my mind when I’m trying to flirt. I become uninteresting and vapid and silly. It just doesn’t feel natural. Can’t I just be myself and attract someone? The answer to that is no. No, I can’t be myself and attract someone. Strike three. I’m out.

So I think I’m just going to have to accept that I am a flirtation failure. Isn’t acceptance the first step to something? Like enlightenment? I mean, I could work on some of these issues and really put myself out there but…..yeah, no. Probably not. Better to stay inside this utility closet I found to hide in and think of witty things to blog about.

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