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funny - Waterfall


You realize them. You detest them. All of us do.

They’re the One-Uppers. They’re people who at all times have a greater story, a worse illness, a greater automobile, a greater haircut, a more durable work project, a sexier lover, a no matter it takes to one-up no matter it’s you have got. They suck. Not since you suspect they’re liars and never as a result of they’re always making an attempt to outdo you however as a result of they’re annoying as hell. And why are they annoying? As a result of they’re more than likely liars and they’re at all times making an attempt to outdo you. It’s a vicious cycle. However you’ll be able to’t keep away from them as a result of THEY ARE EVERYWHERE. Which has led me to consider that they’re aliens which might be slowly however absolutely invading our planet and posing as people with the intention to vanquish the human species via sheer annoyance. ALIENS.

Properly I acquired you found out you silly aliens. And I’m not happening with out a combat. I declare WAR on you One-Uppers (I assume the identify of your own home planet is Oneupperus). That’s proper. WAR. Nevertheless it’s happening non-violently. I wouldn’t provide the satisfaction of unleashing a big can of whoop-ass on you (as a result of I assume, given your file, that you’ve got a keg of whoop-ass which might be a lot bigger than my can). I plan on doing this the Opposite approach. By making you giggle so onerous you pee yourselves after which are shamed (you already know, since you peed your self) into leaving this planet. Additionally- once you bait me along with your one-uppityness I can’t get aggravated, I’ll merely provide you with a glance of pity as a result of, hey alien, I see your recreation for what it’s. I’m no idiot. And don’t suppose I’m not going to “out” you to the world. Each single time you attempt to play the one-up card, I’m going to reply by saying “Are you an alien?” BOOM. I simply rocked your world. Now you’re going to should flee again to Oneupperus as a result of I acquired everybody interested by the way you most likely are an alien. BOOM BOOM. Have a look at me dropping fact bombs on you. In. Your. Faces. (Plural as a result of I’m fairly positive you have got multiple face…….WAIT……..are you in cahoots with the two-faces? Awww man- this struggle simply acquired all types of inter-galactic)

In conclusion, you have got been came upon. And since my struggle on you isn’t violent, however I’ll nonetheless be saving my beloved planet Earth, I’m fairly positive I’m going to get like 100 Nobel Peace Prizes. Additionally, I’m going to write down a e-book about our struggle after which I’ll win a Nobel Prize for Literature. One-up that suckas!!!!

It is a true story. I don’t know why I felt the necessity to preface it as a real story, I simply did. You actually received’t have any hassle believing this of me in any respect. In actual fact, if something, you’ll be shocked it hasn’t occurred earlier than this. So it goes.

Now, we’ve got already established that I do know I’m not invisible in my automobile. I don’t care if folks see me dancing/driving anymore. I acquired over that embarrassment actual fast. Now I get pleasure from understanding that somebody’s day was most likely made at the very least a little bit bit extra joyful by seeing me dance in my automobile. You may’t assist however giggle and I used to be born to make folks giggle even at the price of full humiliation to myself. If somebody will get a superb giggle out of it I couldn’t care much less if the expertise was past humiliating to me. I really am saint-like in that respect.

Anyway, I used to be in my automobile and driving/dancing my coronary heart out to Swedish Home Mafia (in case you like Home music in any respect and don’t know who they’re then disgrace on you. Disgrace I say!), once I pulled as much as my workplace constructing. I often park within the parking storage as a result of that’s the place individuals who work within the constructing are alleged to park however the oh-so-close to the door guests parking was simply too inviting. I’ll admit it, I parked there. In terms of shut parking, I’m no saint. Anyway, the skin of the constructing is made fully of home windows. Home windows that appear to be mirrors from the skin. I do know that they’re home windows. Actually, I do. Besides, in the present day I forgot that. In the present day, I felt actually positive they had been mirrors. And once I pulled as much as these mirrors and noticed myself dancing in them I couldn’t assist however bust a depraved transfer. And simply once I was savoring my frivolity essentially the most, I remembered that these “mirrors” had been actually home windows, and that behind these home windows was an workplace full of individuals getting the giggle of their lifetime at my dancing. Serves me proper for parking in a customer spot. And although I used to be extraordinarily embarrassed, I needed to take consolation in my life motto which is “Make ’em giggle.” which I’m very very positive I did. You’re welcome workplace full of people that would have had horrible days if not for me.

On the optimistic aspect, each time I look in a mirror I might be reminded of this and possibly begin laughing. Which could make folks round me suppose that I’ve actually low shallowness however truly it’s going to simply be as a result of I discover myself hilarious. Or perhaps folks will suppose I’m insane and that may most likely make me giggle more durable which can make them suppose I’m actually insane. Now that I give it some thought, nothing dangerous can come from this expertise. However I’ll positively park within the storage tomorrow.

picture 122

And it’s not simply me. I believe the world wants a sarcasm tag. As a result of some folks, like myself, have gotten so good at sarcasm that persons are having a troublesome time recognizing whether or not or not we’re being sarcastic.

Take as an example, this submit, on no account had been my emotions harm by these feedback. Quite the opposite, I believed it was hilarious. And but, lots of people took to defending me (which truly made me really feel actually good) and criticizing my good friend (which made me really feel dangerous) who I then needed to apologize to as a result of the entire thing was meant to be humorous however it clearly didn’t translate effectively in writing. I felt horrible about it. Properly, not horrible. Really, I believed it was funny- identical to his feedback about me being a hopeless pitiful low cost prostitute. (On one other be aware, that submit generated like, a variety of site visitors….I’m wondering why…..) Additionally, the t-shirts with the phrase “low cost prostitute” are forthcoming. There was a surprisingly excessive demand.

The purpose is that if I had some form of tag for sarcasm/humor then this complete episode might have been averted. And recently evidently lots of people are following my feedback up with “Is that sarcasm?” and I’m like “Uh no. I’m by no means sarcastic.” after which they’re all “Is that sarcasm too?” and I’m all “We might do that all day and I’m busy so sure, sure that was sarcasm.” However is it efficient sarcasm if I’ve to label it as sarcastic? I don’t know.

And but… when you find yourself a author/blogger I believe it could be simpler to have a sarcasm/humor tag as a result of some folks learn issues so actually. Not everyone seems to be jaded by sarcasm like I’m. Not everybody has such a wonderful humorousness. In actual fact, I could be doing the world a favor by making a sarcasm tag as a result of then everybody can giggle in derision with me. Or simply giggle. We’d like extra laughter. Sure, I believe a sarcasm/humor tag for writing might be very useful to the world. I’m wondering if I’ll get a Nobel Prize for this? Perhaps even two. One for literature and one for peace. Sure, that sounds about proper.

What are your ideas on a sarcasm/humor tag for running a blog and writing? Additionally, and extra importantly, what are your ideas on me profitable two Nobel Prizes? I imply, apart from jealousy.

picture 19 I should not be allowed to Google.

1. Is there a Subway sandwich in Africa? I don’t even keep in mind why I did this. I simply know I did. Additionally, there’s a Subway sandwich in Africa. In actual fact, South Africa has 13 of them. I guess it is a Jeopardy query. If anybody who reads this weblog wins Jeopardy off of this query then I get half of no matter you win. It’s solely proper.

2. Greatest pumpkin desserts. Who wouldn’t need to know this?

3. Mumford and Sons Stubbs Austin. Tragically, the entire tickets are offered out. My coronary heart breaks.

4. Are you able to add Google Alerts to your Google Alerts? The reply is sure. And simply so you already know, once I googled this, a wormhole was created. The universe might be doomed. Sorry.

5. Plague signs. I used to be fairly positive I had it. Science was in my favor- all of the signs I had pointed to plague. Positive, the signs I didn’t have pointed to not plague however I wish to at all times concentrate on the optimistic. Lengthy story quick, the Plague and an ear and sinus an infection might be simply confused. Severely. It might have occurred to anybody.

6. Worry of dinosaurs. Also referred to as Ornithoscelidaphobia. Yep. It’s an actual factor and I’m not the one one who has it. In actual fact, a great deal of folks have it. It’s fully regular. Actually. It’s regular. Why are you taking a look at me like that?

7. What’s a boysenberry? I knew it was a berry however I had no thought what it regarded like. Additionally, because it seems, it’s a hybrid berry, so it have to be good for the surroundings.

8. What ought to my rap identify be? I’ve mad rapping abilities. So, I made a decision I wanted a superb identify with the intention to launch an album. Listed here are the choices I used to be given: GC Deja Glide, GC Baddie Child, Tiny Rhythm Lady,  Lady C-Notice Face, Critical Recent Lady, Lady C Trixx, GC Triple Tripp, and Younger G. I believe I’ll most likely go along with GC Baddie Kidd or Lady C-Notice Face. What do you suppose? The one one I hate is Tiny Rhythm Lady as a result of you already know my rhythms are something however tiny! Holla.

9. Black snakes in Texas. As a result of there was one in my storage yesterday. True story. And I don’t reside within the nation. I reside in a metropolis. And but, in some way, there was a black snake in my storage yesterday. No phrase but on whether or not or not it’s toxic. I guess it’s.

I might have put 10 issues however I didn’t need to be cliche. Lists with 10 issues are so boring. What have you ever been Googling recently? (Preserve the porn to your self)

picture 18 I could not pull this off. True Story.

So, right here we’re once more. Chronicling my failed makes an attempt at flirting and turning the pathetic into the hilarious. Let’s simply leap proper in, we could?

The Cute Man At Starbucks. I perhaps stalked this man a little bit bit. Not within the scary, accumulate his hair and make a doll out of it sort of approach, however extra within the I simply went to Starbucks each day sort of approach. Anyway, he was cute, I had a crush, I went to Starbucks on a regular basis to see him and spend ridiculous quantities of cash on solely okay espresso, it seems he doesn’t like women. Finish of story. I’m, nevertheless, counting this as a victory as a result of I managed to work up sufficient braveness to go there and see him everyday- often I’d keep away from locations with scorching guys due to my scorching man phobia. I overcame a worry right here folks. Kudos to me.

Image it: Sunday lunch with my mother and father and we’re being served by a scorching in some way French waiter. I truly acquired to the restaurant earlier than my mother and father did. He approaches the desk and I’m considering “Maintain it collectively woman, be good, smile, make eye contact.  Get your recreation face on!  You are able to do this! Be aggressive. B-E Aggresive.” He asks what I wish to drink. I order a really attractive iced tea. After which I smile whereas making eye contact. VICTORY! He smiles again whereas making eye contact. I freeze and rapidly look down. Okay, minor factors deducted however the recreation isn’t over but. My mother and father arrive. Normally, I’d take this chance to cover behind my conversations with them with the intention to not have to take a look at or communicate to a scorching waiter. Not this time. This time, I preserve smiling. I preserve making eye contact. I mainly dominated the flirting baby-steps. Positive, it’s not like we exchanged numbers or organized something coming even near resembling a date- however I dominated the baby-steps folks! If this had been a flirting class I’d have gotten a D+ as a substitute of an F. I think about {that a} victory. Huzzah!

Cute man passing out political pamphlets in my neighborhood. He involves the door and ask for me by identify. Positive, I wasn’t there on the time. Positive, he was solely studying my identify off a listing as a result of I had supported this candidate up to now. Positive, I couldn’t even have flirted with him since, you already know, I wasn’t even there. However I nonetheless think about this a win. Had I been there, I’m fairly positive I’d have dominated this flirting state of affairs as a result of we might  have been speaking about politics which is an space I occur to have fairly a little bit of confidence in. This flirting state of affairs was made for me. If solely I had truly been there.

Total, I believe I did in some way okay this final month within the flirting division. My focus this month might be mastering the baby-steps after which making an attempt to determine what comes after the baby-steps. Strategies are at all times welcome.

Oh yeah! I additionally created a reasonably correct check to inform if a man and I are suitable. It’s as follows.

Cute Man: So, are you relationship anybody?

Me: No, the one man in my life in the intervening time is Kurt Vonnegut.

If he will get the reference and in addition likes Kurt Vonnegut then we’re suitable. If he will get the reference however hasn’t ever learn Kurt Vonnegut then we could be suitable. If he get the reference however doesn’t like Kurt Vonnegut we most likely aren’t suitable. If he doesn’t get the reference in any respect then I’ll simply stroll away. No approach can I date a man who doesn’t know who Kurt Vonnegut is.

picture 17

There may be precisely one month till Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Pt. 1 is launched. To say that I’m thrilled is an understatement. I must classify my pleasure for this occasion within the unhealthy and vaguely inappropriate  class. Why? Two causes.

1. Ought to an grownup be this excited a few childrens/younger grownup film? Am I a complete creepster for being so invested? I fear about this generally. Regardless that I’ve learn all of the books (like a dozen instances) I nonetheless really feel in some way fully out-of-place once I go see the flicks as a result of I really feel like every regular and wholesome individual my age is on a date, or clubbing, or like, making a social community. Shouldn’t I be doing one thing extra age acceptable? However then I believe, wait a minute, books 4-7 are progressively darker and extra adult- am I the one misplaced or is it the ten years olds that needs to be some place else? After which I believe, why does anybody should be out-of-place? However let’s be trustworthy, somebody right here is out-of-place and I’m a little bit anxious that it’s me.

2. I at all times get excited concerning the motion pictures. All the time. And I’m at all times sort of disillusioned in them. They at all times appear to depart out  one among my favourite components of the books- and even miss total chunks of the books. And I actually like accuracy in motion pictures based mostly on books. And I do know, within the curiosity of time, issues should be omitted, I do know that. I simply at all times really feel a bit disgruntled about it. And isn’t the definition of madness repeating the identical behaviors again and again anticipating a special end result? Proper right here we’ve got proof optimistic that I’m insane. I preserve getting actually excited concerning the motion pictures and every time I’m positive they are going to be extra just like the books after which they aren’t. However I actually suppose Deathly Hallows might be just like the books as a result of they cut up it into two motion pictures and that makes me suppose they’re spending much more time in preserving it true to the e-book. See? I’m insane.

Insane or not, I’m nonetheless head to toes thrilled for this film to return out. Any motion pictures popping out that you just guys are enthusiastic about? And be at liberty to make use of this submit as a Harry Potter discussion- as a result of I can by no means get sufficient of that. Oh man, I simply realized that Harry Potter is my Dungeons and Dragons. Is that why I don’t have a boyfriend? It completely is. Hmmm. Self-examining results in actually sad conclusions.

I’m sick. I could be unsuitable however I’m about 80% positive it’s the plague. The factor in my head that does my considering could be very mad at me and received’t let me do any of that considering. What a jerk. So, since I can’t appear to type coherent ideas that don’t have one thing to do with NyQuil I believed I’d submit a listing of flicks I like to look at once I’m sick that I’m fairly positive do as a lot as the medication does to heal me.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail. This one is particularly vital to me now that I’ve the plague.

Alice in Wonderland. The Disney model. The copious quantities of medicine make it even higher.

Tammy and the Physician. Oh, Sandra Dee. You make life appear so dreamy.

Gigi. Singing+French+Coming of Age story= assist sick folks heal.

The Lion King. The circle of life helps me settle for my impending loss of life by plague.

If you’re sick, these motion pictures will assist you to via it. In all probability. Once I say that I’m making some assumptions about your style in motion pictures. Anyway, if I don’t submit tomorrow it most likely means the plague received. If that occurs please inform everybody my final phrases had been “So lengthy, world. It was good whereas it lasted, besides when it wasn’t. You may be an actual jerk generally. However total I’d say we had a reasonably good run.” (Notice: my actual final phrases will most likely be extra like “Severely? The plague?”)

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