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While watching a PBS special on Paris….

Host: …Napoleon brought the French empire almost to ruin.

Me: Well, you try fighting in Russia in the Winter!

Captain Thoughtful: Are you defending Napoleon? 

Me: I……yeah…..but why??!!

Ya’ll. THIS happened. And it is so majorly cool and I history geeked out pretty hard when I read that article and I really  want to celebrate this. I mean, they found Richard III’s body. Under a car-park. People have been parking their cars on Richard III. (Which I bet the ghost of Henry VII has been laughing his arse off about, amiright?)

Anyway, I feel the need to celebrate this discovery. But how? How does one celebrate the discovery of the body of a long-dead King of England? I assume tea is involved somehow….

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I wonder why we don’t say “forsooth” more often. It’s so deliciously snarky. According to Le Dictionary, it’s “used to give an ironic politeness to questions”. For real y’all. Ironic politeness. That’s a thing and that’s a thing I need to make more use of.

For example, next time one of my friends starts dating a guy I think is a douche-canoe, I can say something like “Forsooth, I think he is swell.” And they will think I’m being nice when I’m really saying he is a Jerky McJerkerson. It’s ironic politeness because social conventions dictates that I have to be cordial because my friend likes him, but my inner truth dictates that I despise the very sight of him. “Forsooth allows me to maintain my borderline socially acceptable behavior and keep my inner truth happy.   Boom! for the win.

I feel like this “forsooth” thing is really going to work out well for me, prepare yourselves for excessive amounts of ironic politeness. Also, I may occasionally use it as a substitute curse word. For example, if I were to drop a heavy book on my toe, I would say “FORSOOTH!”, or if I found out that someone was talking mad trash about me I could say “She’s a forsoothing forsoother.” Man, this word is a gold mine!

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It’s March 15 and I think we all know what that means. It’s time, once again, to fear being stabbed by your closest friends as well as your worst enemies. Usually, I would be holed up in my apartment with a baseball bat until March 16 but I realized you really only have something to fear if you meet all of the following criteria.

1. You and Cleopatra made a baby. Which, I will be the first to admit would be both impressive and gross seeing as how Cleopatra is dead. (Or is she?)

2. You have a frenemie named Brutus. (If you have a dog named Brutus, maybe send him to a doggy hotel for a day)

3. You know anyone named Plutarch. (And who doesn’t?)

4. You are the ruler of any place. (Playgrounds count)

5. A seer has foretold of your assassination. (Telephone psychics count)

So, as I only meet two of the criteria (and wouldn’t you like to know which two), I think I can make it through the day safely. Also, my friend sent me an email assuring me she wasn’t going to stab me today, so I’m feeling pretty confident. Of course, if that confidence proves false, you can refer to this post mockingly when you’re writing my biography.

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In case y’all were wondering, the best way to embarrass yourself at the National WWII Museum in New Orleans is to walk up the exhibit of a large artillery gun and try to see through the barrel instead of the sight. Oh, and also a WWII veteran tells you you’re looking in it the wrong way and shows you the right way which is really sweet but still incredibly embarrassing. Anyway, I thought you guys might like to know that for future reference. It didn’t really happen to me. Probably.

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Today, my friends, is St. Valentine’s Day. Instead of lecturing you on who the real St. Valentine was (or wasn’t) and the sticky end he came to (pun intended because there was a stick involved), I’ve decided to share some of my absolute favorite things about Valentine’s Day. I’ve always loved this holiday and not just because I think it’s hilarious how a nasty execution spawned a lovers holiday. I mean, sure, that’s part of it, but I also like other things.

1.Chocolate is everywhere. This is never a bad thing. Also, if you eat it on strawberries it’s probably good for you.

2. Flowers are everywhere. It’s lovely to walk into a store and see Spring when it’s definitely Winter outside.

3. Valentines are so delightfully corny. In fact, as far as I’m concerned, the cornier the better.

4. Teenagers are making out EVERYWHERE and it’s really fun to make disapproving faces at them and remark on their lack of modesty. It really makes one feel like a grown-up.

5. Loads of people are wearing red and then I can say things like “Does your shirt represent the blood of St. Valentine?” and make people pretty uncomfortable. Sometimes, playing Debbie Downer can be fun.

6. Any reference you make to the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre is both unwanted and necessary. History is fun!

7. Champagne y’all. Lots of it.

8. I get to hear Boyz II Men songs all day long.

9. There is guaranteed awkwardness to witness and participate in. I will have blog fodder for weeks!

10. The candy hearts with phrases on them. They say such nice things! It gives my self-esteem a little boost and that’s quite the accomplishment when I’m also concurrently stuffing my face with candy. Well played candy hearts. Well played.

Happy Valentine’s Day dearest readers! I love you with my whole aorta!

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