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On A Diet - Window

hurt |

Posted in Life, Struggles, tagged ACL, Austin City Limits, Entertainment, hurt, Kings of Leon, Life, M.I.A., muse, music, pain, Struggles, tears, Yeah Yeah Yeahs on August 2, 2010 | 3 Comments »
Austin City Limits is one of my absolute favorite things. Every fall a ton of gifted musical acts gather to perform for three days in Austin, Texas. It is magical. This is something I have been attending for years. It has all of the talent of SXSW without the pretension and annoying people walking down the middle of Congress acting like they don’t know there is a line of 100 cars waiting for them to move so they can continue driving. Anyway….I really love ACL.
I have done something terrible though. Something that ACL will never forgive me for. I’m not sure what it was but it had to have been really really bad. How do I know I did something really really bad? Because Austin City Limits has loved making my musical life unbearably difficult for the past several years by scheduling at least two of my favorite acts at the same time. They are obviously trying to get back at me for something. They want to hurt me. They are succeeding.
This year it’s M.I.A. and Muse on Saturday night. Same time. It hurts to write it. I have loved both of these acts for years. When I saw the line-up for this year and bought tickets I never thought I would have to choose between them. How can I? I’m so sorry for whatever I did ACL. I really am. Please, please forgive me. I am literally down-on-my-knees begging you to reschedule. I need to see them both. I might die if I have to choose. I absolutely will die if I have to choose. I mean, whatever I did to deserve this can’t have been so bad that you would wish for my death. Right? Right!?
Last year I had to choose between the Kings of Leon and the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. And it really hurt me. Hurt me deep. I went with Kings of Leon and they were brilliant. Beyond amazing but I will always feel a little bit sad that I haven’t seen the Yeah Yeah Yeahs live. I mean, they probably had an amazing set at ACL. I don’t know. I will never know. And even if I see them live somewhere else, I will never have seen them live at ACL. You can probably hear the violins playing in the background of this post- and also the thunder-like sound of my heart breaking. You like that kind of music ACL? How about tears? You like the sound of those? Because I am planning on calling you and leaving you lots of messages that are comprised of nothing more than my ugly sobbing. I am your psycho ex-girlfriend ACL. The more you hurt me, the more I stalk you and send you dead roses and maybe set fire to your house- I don’t know- it all depends on how bad you continue to try and hurt me. I can’t be held responsible for my actions. This is on you ACL. And no jury would convict me. Probably.
I digress. What I mean to say is I am so sorry. I am so very, truly, deeply, sorry for whatever I did that made you want to hurt me this way. I will literally do anything for you to reschedule Saturday performances, please don’t make me choose between M.I.A. and Muse. Please. Pretty please. Remember all the good times we’ve had over the years? Remember how faithful I have been in attending? That has to mean something to you. Think of all the good times ACL- think of the good times and reschedule.
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Posted in Short Stories, tagged boy, disillusioned, emptiness, hate, hurt, kiss, oppression, pain, pleasure on June 3, 2010 | Leave a Comment »
I knew a boy once who had the unique gift of being born disillusioned. He could never be hurt and could not understand oppression except as that vague sort of thing he imposed on others, but it could never touch him. He had the most beautiful lips. Full and always moist without being wet. Lovely for kissing. When I kissed him, I had the most extraordinary sensation of dying a little. He was a wonderful kisser. He felt no pain, yet he craved pleasure as if it were his lifesource. He fed this habit with an ease only one who has no concept of consequence can. The kind of pleasure he craved was rarely physical, although he did find a certain satisfaction in that as well. Satisfaction but not ture pleasure. In his mind the only real pleasure one could obtain was from others suffering. Mentally he tortured those around him he viewed as weak. Although I’m sure he never thought it of himself, I always believed that he did this so that others might become as disillusioned as he. He understood that people without his ability needed oppression and painful experience to become as he was and he took it upon himself to provide the necessary knowledge. He thought of himself as a teacher. I filled myself up with him and realized he was empty.
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Posted in Life, Realizations, Struggles, tagged adulthood, empowerment, facebook, freedom, hurt, left behind, letting go, strength, the past on April 30, 2010 | 3 Comments »
The things we’ve left behind find us sometimes. And there are places you can’t hide from them. But you can’t face them, don’t want to have to face them every day. But they don’t go away.
And you learned and grew from the things you’ve left behind but they were left behind for a reason and though you know that reason and even if it is a valid reason doesn’t mean the things accept or acknowledge it. They force themselves upon you. They leave you alone for 15 years- enough time for you to feel confident in their never returning to your life again- and then they show up. They show up innocently enough until you realize it was a trick to force themselves back in your life. And they want something from you but you aren’t entirely sure what but you know, you KNOW, they want something from you. And the last time the things you left behind were in your life you almost suffocated from the weight of them. And they hurt you. And you have spent many many hours in therapy recovering from the wounds they gave you. And now they found you again and you don’t know what to do. Continue to hide? Respond forcefully? Feign Ignorance?
But you are an adult now. There isn’t anything to be afraid of- you can take care of yourself. You don’t have to communicate with anyone you don’t want to. You control your life. You will not be manipulated and lied to again. You won’t let them near your family. You are stronger than them. Still, they try to force themselves on you. Why now? Why 15 years later? Can you sense my complete happiness? Is that why you want to talk to me again, so you can take it away? I won’t allow it. I forbid you from infringing on my happiness. I LEFT YOU BEHIND. I don’t belong to you and you don’t belong to me. We are free of each other- let that be.
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They seem harmless enough. The dictionary defines a daydream as “A dreamlike musing or fantasy while awake, especially of the fulfillment of wishes or hopes.” How could something so lovely sounding ever break your heart? Actually, I don’t have a clever answer for that question, I just know that occasionally they do.
The thing is- daydreams are so whimsical and beautiful and magical that when it’s over your life just seems so beige and miserable compared to what your daydream was. That might seem a little dramatic, but for someone with an imagination like mine it really isn’t. There have been so many times (especially lately) that my daydreams are so grand and exquisite and not necessarily unrealistic (read- love, successful career, and eternal happiness) that when I snap out of it I feel really sad and lonely. This is made all the worse by the fact that the daydreams have been so possible. When I daydream about clouds made of cotton candy, or being able to move objects with my mind, or eating everything I could ever want and never gaining a pound- those things don’t hurt because they are, if not impossible, highly improbable. So, figuratively “waking-up” from those daydreams doesn’t completely suck. Waking-up from daydreams that involve things like falling in love (which isn’t exactly improbable) break your heart. Sometimes, hoping equals hurting.
Despite this, I know I will still have daydreams that break my heart if only a little bit. I guess I want to hold on to the hope even if it hurts for a while.
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