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I Love Whole Foods Therefore I Am Silent |  - Album

I Love Whole Foods Therefore I Am Silent |

I crazy love Whole Foods. Like, writes inappropriate fanfic levels of crazy love. But every time I go there, and this is fairly often, I become immediately intimidated and silent. Basically, every woman there either looks like a supermodel or the world’s hippest Mom. Like, a Mom who plays bass in an indie rock band but still has time to nurture her children’s imaginations and cold press her own juices. And all of the men look like on-the-brink of fame musicians or poets.

And there is so much flannel that somehow looks sexy? My flannel never looks sexy it looks like, you know, flannel.

As if that isn’t intimidating enough, I have no food intolerances. I handle gluten, dairy, wheat, and sugar just fine. So, I don’t feel like I belong to any of the totally awesome sections of the store that cater to specific dietary intolerances. I just know that if I wander into those sections, everyone will know I’m a fraud who can eat cheese with baquettes.  A few weeks ago, I bought some gluten free brownies and then hung my head in shame for the next two hours because I didn’t really need them to be gluten free and what if someone who really has gluten allergies didn’t get a brownie that day because a gluten-tolerant butthead bought the only brownies they can eat? WHAT. IF.

And the juice cleanses. Do I need to cleanse? If I didn’t, why where there be so many freshly pressed juice sections? I just know I’m missing out on something there. Everyone else seems to know the secret of glowing skin and a bodacious bod – is it cleanses? Is it? Why does one juice cost $9? I have so many questions, but every time an impeccably styled Whole Foods model/employee asks me if I need help, I immediately become a mute. Because I know if I say anything, they will know that I eat at Taco Bell sometimes and they will shun me.

It’s better to stay quiet and nod (but like in a cool way) than be outed at Whole Foods as someone who occasionally eats Taco Bell. This is one of the few things in life I know to be absolutely incontrovertibly true.

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