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I’m Going To Help You. Because I Care. |  - Stock photography

I’m Going To Help You. Because I Care. |

screen shot 2011 09 22 at 10 37 28 pm

So, I was taking a little looksey into my blog stats the other day (yesterday) and noticed that I had a very large amount of searches around the term “DTR”. Most of those searches were in question form such as “What is a DTR?” and “What should I say in a DTR?” and “Your Mom is a DTR.” I’m going to ignore the last one because I don’t understand what it means. I assume it’s some hip slang the kiddos thought up to confuse teachers so they won’t get in trouble for saying heinous things. For example, when I was in the third grade, I knew a fourth grader who told me that if someone called me “pal” then they weren’t my friend because in the sophisticated and modern world of the fourth grade class, “pal” meant “F-you.” To this day, if someone calls me that, it really hurts my feelings.

But, I’m not here to talk about how kids can be cruel and confusing, I’m here to help you. The internet searchers who came to me for advice and guidance. You came to the right place. This blog is a safe place where the people making fun of you actually care about your well-being. Welcome, friends. I’m giving you an imaginary hug, doesn’t it feel good? I once won a prize for being the world’s best hugger in an imaginary competition I made up and then subsequently had to relinquish my title to because I tested positive for hugging steroids. So…you have a problem. Well, I’m here to help. I imagine you are all teenagers and these DTR questions are stemming from the fact that school has started back up and homecoming dances are fast approaching and all the CW teen dramas are back from hiatus. Again, I want you to know this is a safe place where there is no judgment other than mine and the commenters. Now, I’m going to help you. Because I care.

What is a DTR?

DTR stands for Defining The Relationship. A DTR is a talk you have with someone who you like and may like you back but you’re unsure of what the definition of the relationship is. Like, you’re not sure if you’re in a relationship, talking, hooking up, dating, hanging out, or saving a horse by riding a cowboy. Once upon a time of simplicity, you were either in a relationship or you weren’t. I’m convinced that that time never really existed and that old people just made it up to mess with us. Those silly geese.

Basically, the DTR is the most awkward conversation you will ever have. And you will probably have it lots of times. Here is an example of a DTR.

Girl: So. Ok. We need to talk. 

Guy: Yeah. Sure. Whatevs. 

Girl: What are “we” exactly? I mean, am I your girlfriend? 

Guy: Whoa. Whoa. Settle down there. That seems like a pretty serious thing to say. Wow. I mean. I just don’t. That isn’t. What? 

Girl: Fine. What would you say we are then? 

Guy: You know how I feel about you. 

Girl: No. That’s sort of why I’m asking. 

Guy: Fine. Sure. Ok, well I mean, I *like* you. You’re a really cool girl. I’m just not ready for anything “serious” right now. So I guess we’re just – “us”. 

Girl: You’re so cute. 

Guy: You are. 

Then you make-out and absolutely nothing is resolved. And that kids, is a DTR.

What Should I Say In A DTR?

You should say exactly what I tell you to. Why? Uh, you tell me genius, you’re the one who came to me for advice in the first place. Geez Louise. Just say one of the following.

1. “We need to define our relationship like Webster.” See, it’s funny because of Webster’s Dictionary and jokes always make things better although if her/his name is actually Webster then maybe just put a whoopie cushion under them when they sit down. It will really lighten the mood.

2. “I’m really rich. I will happily pay for all our dates/activities/vacations but only if you’re my boyfriend/girlfriend. What say you?” Even if you’re not rich, they probably won’t know that for a while and anyway, why would you want to date someone who only wanted you for your money? On the other hand, you’re a liar so a gold-digger might be a perfect match for you.

3. “I think we should be in a real-ationship.” That way, they know you want a relationship and also you want it to be real. Clarity is key.

4. “You+Me=Monogamy.” It rhymes. No other explanation needed.

5. “I do/do not want to be in a relationship with you.” I know this sounds really “out there” and “alternative” but I think if they speak the same language as you, they will probably get your point.

You shouldn’t say anything other than these 5 things. Trust me. Or don’t. It’s your choice, but keep in mind that I’m really rich and will pay for all our dates/activities/vacations if you take my advice.

Kids. I know I said I was going to help you because I care, and really, I do, but also it would be nice if you would send me money so that line I used above this one about being rich could be true. Anyway, you’re welcome.

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