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| Page 12 - Little black dress

| Page 12

CHILI CHEESE BURRITOS ARE BACK.

At least, they are back in Austin. And I think we made that happen y’all. We made that happen together. And I’m thrilled (and full), but Peeps, our work isn’t over. Our work won’t be over until every Taco Bell IN THE WORLD serves the chili cheese burrito.

“Can you hear the people sing, singing the song of hungry men. It is a music of a people who will not go bland again. When the filling of your tum is due to the chili cheese yum-yum there is a Peep without complaint thanks to burritos”

I’m still working on our protest song…..

What I’m trying to say is, yes, Austin serving the CCB is a victory, but we still have a long way to go Peeps. I won’t rest until this says “Available at ALL locations”.

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You with me?

Everytime I listen to a Backstreet Boys song, I feel like I’m betraying N’Sync. 

And also, I’m like “Did I travel back in time to 1998?” 

Stranger on the interwebs: I hate you!

Me: What? You hate me? But, but…I LOVE YOU. I love you so much! Oh wait, no I don’t, because having such a strong emotion for a stranger would be ridiculous even for me. 

And then they would be so awed by my reasoning their hate would turn immediately to love and respect.

There is no flaw in this plan.

Grammy: Let’s go get food from that cheap place you like!

Me: Taco Bell?

Grammy: Yes!

Me: We literally just ate a huge meal. Like….3 hours ago. Are you really hungry?

Grammy: (Blank stare)

Captain Thoughtful: I’m not hungry. I’m stuffed. I couldn’t eat another bite.

Grammy: Well…then I’ll just get you some ice cream.

This thought was specifically requested by my Aunt J – who is not only one of my favorite people on Earth, but is also the woman who officiated our wedding which means she brokered God’s blessing for us and basically I’m pretty sure I can’t deny her anything without risking eternal damnation or dissolution of my marriage. To be honest, I’m a little murky on the details.

Long story longer, my Aunt J requested my thought on Moms who cry when their adult children have their hearts broken – not just because they are sad for their kids, but because they really liked the boyfriend/girlfriend. She is asking for a friend I’m sure.

I am 100% not qualified to have a thought on this particular situation. However, that has never stopped me before. Here is what I suggest any person in this situation do. All of these things will comfort me you and make you feel better drunk.

1. Wine slushies.

2. Harry Potter marathon.

3.  Eating your feelings (I recommend Whataburger, but that’s just me)

4. Wine slushies.

5. Performing entire musical scores by yourself.

6. Drive down an isolated road and scream your guts out in the car. (Also, great practice for when you might be in that horror movie someday)

7. Puzzles.

8. Gin. (The game or the booze, your choice)

9. Watching literally any Lifetime movie. (This will put the fact that your life is less murder-y into perspective)

10. Focus all your efforts on getting Grammy to say “penis”.

I had like 10 more, but then I realized they were all pretty much hard liquor centered. And I didn’t feel like it was appropriate to make those kind of suggestions to my Aunt J . And by “inappropriate”, I mean I don’t want her to get drunk unless I’m there with my laptop so I can document every second of it. For research. For my book. Of which I would happily share a small but not insignificant percentage. (Probably it would be insignificant actually, she once stole a Chili’s giftcard from me in White Elephant at Christmas and I feel the pain of that loss every time someone says “baby back ribs”, which is more often than you would think).

I hope this made you laugh Aunt J. If it didn’t….drink a wine slushie and then read it again, it totally will then. Maybe drink two.

For the first book of my 50 state book resolution, I chose “Roanoke -Solving the Mystery of the Lost Colony” by Lee Miller.

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AND IT WAS AWESOME.

Even if you don’t like non-fiction, you would love this book. It reads like a mystery. Probably because it is one, although, after reading this, it’s a bit less of one. I thought this book was outstanding. I couldn’t put it down once I started it and I kept exclaiming things like:

“I can’t believe Fernandez betrayed them!”

and

“I knew Sir Francis Walsingham would play into this….”

Those poor colonists. They got caught in a web they didn’t weave. Also, poor Captain Thoughtful, because I kept interrupting him from his book to talk about everything that was happening in this book.

If you have an interest in long unsolved mysteries or early American history or English history, or really if you like to read at all, you should read this book. I highly recommend it.

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We hiked an hour and a half to this waterfall. SO WE OWN IT. And we were all like “Hey giant waterfall, you are ours now.” and the waterfall was all like “Yeah I know.” and then I named the waterfall “ presents: Captain Thoughtful’s Waterfall, that we own together”.

And then we danced. And people wept at the glory of our dance and the waterfall fell like it had never fallen before. Let it be so for all eternity.

I am terrified of aliens and usually hate to watch anything about them (see my many letters to Steven Spielburg) but absolutely adore Dr. Who and Roswell.

Explain this to me.

Me: Ugh. It smells like skunk. Are there skunks in Maui? I feel like there shouldn’t be….

Mom Contrary: Umm…take another whiff there kiddo. That’s marijuana. Not a skunk. 

Me: Oh! Hahahaha! I mean, that has to be a win for you as a parent though, right? That I didn’t immediately recognize the smell of weed? Congratulations to you. 

Mom Contrary: Good point. Thanks. 

Watching football with Grammy…

Grammy: Oh honey that quarterback is always handling the balls. 

Entire room bursts into laughter (I laugh so hard I give myself hiccups)

Grammy: Oh dear. I didn’t mean it like that, I meant balls like B-A-L-L…..oh wait, it’s the same…..

Grammy for the win!

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