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hypocrite |  - Lara Van Ruijven

marriage |

Playing Scattergories. The topic was “things you hide”, the letter was “h”.

Captain Thoughtful: Hickeys.

Me: Herpes.

Me: You better not have hickeys.

Captain Thoughtful: YOU better not have herpes.

Me: I don’t!

Captain Thoughtful: Then we are all good here.

Me: If you ever signed your shirt and then took it off and threw it to another woman in the crowd, I would be really upset.

Captain Thoughtful: I can’t imagine a situation where that would happen. What are you even talking about?

Me: Yeah, but just in case crowds of people are cheering for you someday and they all want you to sign stuff for them, don’t sign your shirt and give it to some other woman.

Captain Thoughtful: I promise that will never happen.

Me: See that it doesn’t.

Today is my darling husband’s birthday so sit back and prepare yourselves peeps for some full on lovey dovey shit. It’s totally unavoidable because I married the loveliest man in existence.

To Dr. Captain Thoughtful,

Happy birthday my love! Batten down the metaphorical hatches because I plan on attacking you with so much love and thankfulness today – and also probably some unexpected rogue bear hugs. It’s one of my favorite days of the year because it’s a day to celebrate you and you’re my very favorite! I can’t even begin to express how much I love your guts and how thankful I am that somehow, you love my guts too. I am going to cherish the hell out of you today. You’re going to be like “Whoa. Maybe too much cherishing?” But I’m just going to keep cherishing away and thanking my lucky stars that I get to be married to you. You’re like fancy cheese – you just keep getting better and better. I love you more and more every day, more and more than words can say. Let’s eat so much ice cream and laugh until we get the hiccups today, ok?

All my love forever and ever and then after that,

Your wife

After a slightly confusing conversation with my husband…..

Me: Wait. I’m being serious. Are you being sexual?

Captain Thoughtful: Yes.

Marriage is grand y’all. 🙂

Captain Thoughtful: So, next week when we go to the farmers market, I think we need to get (farts loudly)….

Me: Bless you.

Captain Thoughtful: Excuse me…so I think we need to get…..wait, did you say “Bless you.”?

Me: I did.

Captain Thoughtful: Ummmmm.

Me: Your butt sneezed.

Captain Thoughtful: Huh.

And then we got back to the subject of what we needed to get from the farmers market next week. Thus concludes a typical conversation between me and my husband. You’re welcome world.

Before I had Captain Thoughtful, I used to get asked “Do you have a boyfriend?” a lot. So, I came up with smart ass responses because that’s how I do. I thought my days of annoying questions was over but as the good Captain and I near our second anniversary we are being asked more and more frequently “When are you going to have a baby?”

You asked for it people. Warning: smart assery dead ahead!

– Well, as I understand it, the first step is having lots of unprotected sex. Then, his semen fertilizes my egg. Then, 9 months later a baby shoves it way out of my body in a pretty painful way. So, you see, it’s a multi-step process. These things take time.

– Can one ever “have” a baby? Or does the baby “have” you? Food for thought.

– Damn! I knew I forgot to pick something up at the store.

– I heard those are really expensive – will you be mailing me a check to cover those costs or do you have a literal boat filled with cash you are gifting me? I’m good with either.

– Do I not get issued one when I renew my passport? Is that not how it works? I’m sort of unclear on the specifics.

– We are just planning on adopting a successful 25 year old and calling it a job well done.

My husband, Captain Thoughtful, turns 30 today. I’m going to break it down for y’all honest-like:

I love this man more and more every day, more and more than words can say.

Captain Thoughtful and I met at a Patrick Sweany concert and when Patrick played this song, I wondered at the time whether it would be “our song” if we ever dated because I was already crushing mad hard on the Captain. We did date, and then we got engaged, and a year and a half ago, we got married. This is our song.

Happy Birthday darling! I can’t wait to fill every day of the next 70 years with more and more love!

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