March 16, 2010 by
And lately it feels as if it is going to beat out of my chest. There is something new, something happening, and I’m not sure what it is. I feel on the verge of something- something incredible and life changing and I haven’t the slightest as to what it could be. Every night I lay in bed and think about what I’m feeling, try to put it into words, but I can’t quite grasp the right ones. Anticipation, hope, bliss, wonder, expectancy…none of these words encompass what I feel, but all of them comprise what I feel. It’s so difficult to explain, yet I want to explain it- feel as if I have to find a way to explain it.
The most baffling part of this is that my life is still a bit of a mess. Things are coming together but loosely. And I’m happy. And I’m peaceful. And I’m this other thing that I can’t find a word for- it’s something like pounding heart, electric air, calm, breathing deeply, huge smile, confidence, and love. Lots of love for everything and everyone, and I feel like forgiving, like asking forgiveness and giving forgiveness, and freedom.
It’s like a total change in philosophy, but not quite that. Sort of similar to wearing dark glasses for years and then on a bright beautiful sunny day taking them off and seeing the brilliance but not being blinded by it. Maybe I’m taking my own advice- maybe I’m listening to myself. I have always been an optimist for everyone but myself until now. Why can’t good lovely things happen to me? They can. I never really thought that until recently. Even though loads of wonderful things have happened to me in my life for some reason I never really believed that they could or would happen again. But I think they will. And bad things will happen too, but I think that’s ok.
My heart’s a drummer.
