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Prepared For The Apocalypse/Not In A Cult |  - Beach

Prepared For The Apocalypse/Not In A Cult |

screen shot 2012 01 16 at 9 53 41 pm

So, I got this email a few days ago.

Dear ,

 Why are you so obsessed with the apocalypse? Are you a member of a cult?


 That Guy.  (I changed the name for a couple reasons but mainly because I’m not sure this person doesn’t work for the government and isn’t investigating me because I’m on some sort of watch list and I really don’t need to upset them any further than I already have.)

Obviously, I need to respond to this.

Dear That Guy,

 Thank you for your strange email. Strange emails are my favorite! Although that in no way indicates I’m a part of strange and possibly illegal activities- perhaps I should have used the word “random” that seems less suspicious, right? Are you investigating me? I think you have to tell me if you are. I don’t know for sure but I heard that in a movie and so it’s probably true. I would feel a lot more at ease if I knew why you were asking me these questions. For the record, if you are investigating me, I hope it’s been really fun and maybe made you laugh but not resulted in anything you can actually ship me off to secret prison for.

 I wouldn’t say I’m obsessed with the apocalypse. Obsessed is an awfully strong word. I would say I was very interested and well prepared for the apocalypse. That seems a smidge less insane. The reason why I fret about the apocalypse and try my best to prepare for it is completely logical and not at all crazy. My reasoning (and it’s pretty flawless) is this: If I’m well prepared for an apocalypse, then I’m well prepared for just about anything. See? Flawless logic.

 Think about it. In my emergency apocalypse kit, I have everything I will probably need to survive an apocalypse but at the same time I also have everything I would need to survive a tornado, earthquake, hurricane, tsunami, volcanic eruption, nuclear winter, drought, blackouts, or dull weekends. By preparing for the apocalypse, which I think we can all agree is a worst case scenario, I’m also preparing for all the still really bad but less than worst case scenarios. Yay me! And just for the record, most of those natural disasters can and have happened in Texas so basically, just living in Texas goes a long way in preparing me for an apocalypse (especially if it’s a really hot apocalypse).

 To answer your other question, no, I’m not in a cult. In fact, I’ve read a lot of books and watched a lot of documentaries about cults so that I can never be tricked or manipulated into being in one. I am prepared not only to survive an apocalypse but also to resist the deceptive lure of a cult. I even have my cult declining statement prepared: “No, thank you. I would not like to be in your cult. But I wish you the best in your future endeavors as long as they don’t involve mass suicide. “ See? I’m totally prepared to not be in a cult.

Wishing you a life filled with lots of candy and imaginary friends,


Apparently, I do this now. So, you know, feel free to jump on it and send me your most pressing questions.

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