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Job Performance - Writing

social media

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Typically I will get emails asking for my help. I’m not always sure that precise people are sending these. I’ve a robust suspicion that it’s aliens merely attempting to distract me from my fastened alien invasion vigilance, and if that is the case then very successfully carried out aliens on account of I am utterly distracted.

Closing week, I purchased this e-mail.

“Woman, should I unfollow my ex on Twitter?”

I’m not utterly sure that I’m licensed to answer this, and even why any person would flip to me for any suggestion that doesn’t include alien invasion preparation or imaginary dialog starters, nonetheless I’m under no circumstances wanting opinions on one thing so I’ll oblige this alien specific particular person with an answer. Because of I’m good like that. And helpful. And generous. And I’ve a glowing persona.

Certain. Certain, it’s best to unfollow your ex on Twitter. Always. If Katy Perry and Russell Mannequin can’t proceed following each other on Twitter after their divorce, what hope do the rest of us have? Unfollow immediately.

You’re welcome potential alien, I merely solved your disadvantage in like 10 seconds. Now I can get once more to creating prepared Earth’s safety inside the case of alien invasion.

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Closing evening time one factor very shocking occurred to me. I had a second of maturity.

Take a second to let that sink in.

I do know, I do know. I can hardly take into account it myself, however it absolutely’s true. I purchased all mature up in proper right here. The craziest half is that this dizzying spell of maturity was launched on by Twitter.  Any person tweeted one factor that I assumed was grossly unfair and personally insulting to me nonetheless sooner than I hit them once more good with my regular “Your Mother” I had a mature thought that went barely one factor like this….

“Lifehacker Woman, this specific particular person is a stranger to you. They don’t know you and in addition you don’t know them. What they talked about was ridiculous and rude nonetheless inside the grand scheme of your utterly superior life, does it matter? Will it change your world in any method? Is there any type of revenue to responding to this comment? How about you merely pour your self a nice glass of wine and write a weblog about how mature you are- doesn’t that sound good?”

So proper right here I am, ingesting a glass of wine and operating a weblog about how mature I am. Wait. Is operating a weblog about your maturity really an immature issue to do? Balls. I consider I merely created a wormhole.

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There is a absolutely superior Twitter account that I adjust to known as @RealTimeWWII, which dwell tweets WWII as a result of it occurred day by day from 1940-1945. I am an infinite historic previous nerd and am utterly infatuated with this twitter account. If y’all are on the Twitter, I counsel you adjust to it. You needed to find out about @RealTimeWWII on account of it’s superior however as well as on account of it’s associated to the story I’ve to tell you.

It’s a cautionary story. You will be wise to be taught from it.

The alternative day, I was skimming quickly by the use of my Twitter feed and noticed this tweet: : “USA protesting British warships detaining its cruise liners at Gibraltar; UK insists it’s important to implement blockade on Germany“. These are my paraphrased concepts after learning it.

Oh no. Oh no. That’s truly harmful. When did the UK put a blockade on Germany? How did I miss this? What might need led as a lot as this? I don’t recall learning one thing inside the details about it and I be taught BBC data, completely they’d have included one factor a few UK blockade on Germany inside the data. I merely don’t understand how I missed one factor so predominant. That’s truly, truly harmful.  It’s like WWII but once more. Oh……oh wait. What Twitter account am I ? Oh. Oh I see. It *is* WWII. Whew. That’s a discount. Okay coronary coronary heart, you might stop racing now. Crises averted. Or, , crises handed on account of it was all successfully over sooner than I was even born. Sheesh. I truly must pay larger consideration to what I’m learning on this issue. 

Y’all. I truly started having a panic assault primarily based totally on one factor that occurred in 1939 on account of I assumed it was occurring now. It truly makes you take into account how we’re all merely driving like bats out of hell by lifestyle and maybe it may be larger if we merely slowed down every now and again and paid larger consideration to what we’re learning on Twitter.

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Usually, I truly hate social media. Usually, I truly adore it. Proper now though, I largely hate it and the predicaments it locations us into. I prolonged for a better time when it was simple to stop being any person’s buddy. You merely ignored their calls and texts. Executed. It was swell. Nonetheless now, on excessive of ignoring their calls and texts, you could unfollow or defriend them. And for some trigger *that* makes you seem/actually really feel heaps worse. There’s one thing so aggressive and hostile about unfollowing or defriending any person. Why is that? Why does it seem worse to unfollow any person than it does to ignore them/communicate mad shiz behind their once more??

Because of social media has absolutely warped our mind-set. Say you should have a “buddy” on Fb you haven’t spoken to in 10 years. Not a wall message, not a poke, no communication in any manner. So, you resolve to un-friend them. Now, impulsively you’re a jerk. You’ve instantly turn into an evil troll who doesn’t ought to have mates to unfriend inside the first place. Briefly, people get pissed. There’s one thing so inherently hostile about unfriending or unfollowing any person that people are more likely to react terribly. That is, within the occasion that they even uncover. There could also be always a possibility they gained’t uncover. Nonetheless they always uncover. There could also be even a Twitter app that may inform you who has unfollowed you that week. Method to be a narc Twitter. That’s not cool. And as quickly as they know, you turn into a social media pariah. Nonetheless what’s the aim of social media for individuals who don’t even identical to the people you adjust to or are mates with on Fb. Why interact the least bit if it’s merely going add pointless drama to your life? If social media is about connecting with people you need or could like, then why is it so unacceptable to unfollow or defriend people you don’t or gained’t like?  Why do I actually really feel worse about unfollowing any person then I do for not talking to them anymore? What’s the massive deal? Does social media rule our lives? What’s all of it about????

Do you unfriend or unfollow?

So many questions……my thoughts hurts.

You already know, I truly satisfaction myself on using acceptable grammar. Sure, I make errors and I’m sure you could possibly probably uncover about 1,000 on this weblog (as a aspect remember, please don’t do that, it makes you a douche-bag). So, after I don’t know the suitable utilization or pluralization of a phrase, I look it up. I’m telling you this on account of that you could know that about me for two causes.

1. It’s mandatory that we get to know each other larger.

2. It’ll give some perspective to this publish.

So, I’m on Twitter the other day and I see this:

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I assumed it was pretty clever, which is to be anticipated, and I wanted to answer with an equally clever reply. Because of, and I’m not utterly sure about this, nonetheless I suppose I would like Seth Myers to love me. Or on the very least suppose I’m hysterical, which to me, is principally the an identical issue. I wanted my reply to say “Hey! I’m a cute woman with a killer humorousness. We should all the time seize dinner sometime and I will enchantment your pants off (truly) with my humor.” Or, , one factor like that.

Nonetheless, sooner than I would formally reply, I wanted to Google this: “What is the plural of penis?”

True story.

You see, I’ve always referred to various penises as “peni”, and though I’ve some imprecise memory of constructing that phrase on account of I assumed it was humorous, I’ve used it as if I learnt it in intercourse coaching on the day as soon as they talked about how one can focus on with genitalia inside the plural.  And may I merely say, I consider we must always all the time have possibly spent further time on that lesson and fewer time on herpes. No offense to herpes nonetheless there are solely so many mouth and junk sores I can check out in a day. As a aspect remember, “junk” refers to genitalia and I really did be taught that phrase at school nonetheless not in an official class. Anyway, I Googled the plural of penis and it appears it was penises and by no means peni. Personally, I consider peni sounds funnier nonetheless, who am I to guage the English language? Now each time I start to variety any phrase that begins with “P” Google suggests some pretty racy stuff. It’s getting barely bit inappropriate Google, I wanted to look out “pizza places” not “porn palaces”. Get it collectively.

Anyway, my reply tweet to Seth Myers was this:

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It was a disaster. I was clearly too aggressive with the capital letters. In its place of being cute and sarcastic my tweet received right here off all yelly and stuck-up. Alas, no dinner invitation was extended and truly, I can’t blame the poor man. My tweet efficiently punched him inside the junk after which laughed at him when he cried in ache. Although, I’ve to say, I laughed hysterically at my very personal tweet for like, 2 minutes. Not lower than I suppose I’m hilarious. This may possibly be a Flirtation Failure publish, no?

Get it? It was a play on the saying “phrase to your Mother”. I spotted that phrase from Vanilla Ice although I’m pretty sure he didn’t offer you it.

I digress. This publish is about Wordle. Because of I like it. And it reveals stuff to you, like a fortune teller, in addition to it isn’t one thing like a fortune teller. I reap the benefits of it for work pretty a bit and for inspiration in writing regularly. I actually like Wordle. You have to too. Because of I discussed so. Moreover, on account of it’s good.

I took all my hottest posts and copied and pasted them into the magic Wordle machine and that’s what it revealed to me:

picture 12Based mostly on Wordle, I talk about my Grammy heaps. And Wordle is acceptable, on account of there is a Grammy publish coming this week as a result of it so happens.

Based mostly on Wordle, I say “like” heaps. Touche, Wordle. Correct as soon as extra.

Based mostly on Wordle, I ask the question “truly?” heaps. Really?

Based mostly on Wordle, I communicate pretty a bit about people. I do definitely and I’m glad to see that Wordle acknowledges my selfless wish to help people and defend them from awkward moments, flirtation failures, and males in women’s restrooms. Clearly, I am nearly a dwelling saint who makes use of the power of the interweb to unfold her message of hope and sage suggestion. I under no circumstances realized how good of a person I was until Wordle instructed me. I indicate, I’m pretty sure that’s what it’s attempting to say. Thanks Wordle.

Based mostly on Wordle I am solely moderately concerned with all points “awkward”. You might need gotten this one fallacious Wordle on account of I am practically utterly consumed with awkward points. My life is kind of a strolling tour of awkward-ville. True story.

Based mostly on Wordle, I talk about Mondays pretty a bit. I hate Mondays. Besides they’re holidays, throughout which case, they’re unbelievable. I consider Wordle is trying to tell me to offer Mondays a possibility, and likewise, stop talking about them on account of people are getting precise sick of listening to about it. I like Wordle’s honesty.

I’m shocked to not see the phrase “douche bag” on this. Nonetheless then as soon as extra, I didn’t use all my posts to create this, merely my hottest ones. I can deduce from this that people don’t want to hear about douche-bags. Too harmful guys, on account of I uncover douche baggage too amusing to not write about them.

I actually like Wordle, I consider it’s good, and amusing, and absolutely diverting. There are a lot of fonts and layouts and colors to pick from and I would truly spend all day on Wordle. Phrase clouds are gratifying. Considerably. I’ve found Wordle to be an absolute gem as regards to serving to me get impressed by my writing. As soon as I’ve written pretty a bit, I merely copy and paste it into Wordle and see what phrases I’m using most. It truly helps purpose my writing and has however to fail in giving me barely improve in writing energy. It is also potential to enter in any web page or weblog that has an RSS feed and it will create a shocking little picture of your phrases (although I consider it solely does the first net web page of your weblog on account of after I did this “zombies” and “candy” had been by far my largest words- which is superior nonetheless not utterly appropriate for individuals who take the whole weblog into consideration so I truly suppose it merely does the first net web page.) I encourage you, nay, I demand that you just all Wordle correct now!!! I truly suppose you will favor it, notably for individuals who’re a creator or blogger or every. Or solely a one which likes pretty colors.

Proper now’s Lesson: You have to Wordle. Your Mother should Wordle. End of story.

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