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Terms of Endearment (The Annoying Kind)

June 10, 2011 by
An incident I witnessed and sort of took part in at a home decor store inspired this post. It went a little something like this…
Girlfriend: Baby, do you like this painting?
Boyfriend: Uh-huh.
Girlfriend: Baby, what about this one?
Girlfriend: Do you like this painting baby?
Girlfriend: Baby, what do you think about this painting baby?
Boyfriend: I like it.
Girlfriend: Baby, really baby?
Me: YES! Baby likes it!
To be completely honest, I didn’t mean to say it out loud. But I did. Then I smiled and walked away. I wasn’t sure what the appropriate course of action was and I’ve found a smile and quick get-away usually covers all my social awkwardness. I didn’t mean to be rude, well I meant to be a little rude, but this girl was driving me mental with all the “baby” shiz. I mean, I don’t know if maybe she doesn’t realize it but, that guy was not a baby. And if she thought she was dating an actual baby then I have to question her sanity/ethics.
More likely, she was just caught in the trap of cute pet names. Almost every couple has them although not every couple is this annoying. Believe it or not, I myself have been called pet names in the past. And you know what I think? I don’t really care for them. Well, to be more specific, I don’t care for most of them. So I decided to make a list of acceptable and unacceptable pet names. That way, it makes it really easy for anyone who wants to call me something sweet to know what I like and what may get them punched in the gut/broken-up with.
Acceptable pet names
Sweetheart. Simple, sweet, and because of it’s length, you are less likely to overuse it. I will also accept sweets or sweetness. But not sweetie. Never sweetie.
Darling. Elegant and classic. Again, it’s not typically overused.
First initial. I once dated a guy who always called me by my first initial. I loved it. I really did. It was something no one else called me so it seemed like such an intimate pet name.
Unacceptable pet names
Dollface. Dont’ you dare. Don’t you even dare. I am not a doll. I mean, am I the only one who feels like this is a super condescending thing to say to a woman? We are *probably* not in a speakeasy and this is not the 1920′s. I am not a mobsters girlfriend although, I can jitterbug like crazy. Anyway, don’t call me dollface. Or doll. For real.
Love. My grandmother (not Grammy, the other one) calls everyone “love” so, if you call me “love”, I automatically think of my grandmother and that is probably not the intended effect. BUT- if you have a sexy accent then it’s no problem at all. Also, if you call me “lover” I’m probably ok with that because it’s cheeky enough not to be annoying.
Babe. OVERUSED. People call their significant others this like, every other sentence. Ick.
Baby. My life is not a Justin Bieber song. And I will NOT appreciate you trying to make it one. This is grounds for immediate dismissal as boyfriend. Also, even though I sometimes cry for no reason, I’m not *actually* a baby so don’t call me one.
Princess. You call me this and I will physically fight you.
I don’t know. Is it just me? I know that all of these are intended terms of endearment but….they just come off so patronizing and annoying. Really, really annoying. Even the acceptable pet names are super annoying when they are overused. What do you guys think? Yay or Nay?

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