“You’re very nice and that scares me.”
These had been the phrases out of her mouth after I was driving her house from my dad and mom home. I used to be 16 on the time, and she or he was one of many first ladies that had proven an curiosity in me.
How can being good scare somebody? Shouldn’t she be scared if I used to be an axe assassin or hid our bodies within the trunk of my automobile?
Checking in on her, telling her how a lot I cared for her and favored her on the second date appeared too chivalrous and direct. How may I be incorrect? I even went out and purchased an entire new wardrobe that day as a result of she talked about she didn’t like my sneakers in an offhand remark the day earlier than.
“I simply can’t be with somebody such as you.” She instructed me.
I couldn’t breathe.
“That’s cool. I’m going to exit tonight to celebration. Peace.” I assumed this single remark would present my edge and win her again. She obtained out of the automobile and went inside.
How dare a lady not like me for who I’m?
I reached a turning level. I may depend on the tactical PUA stuff I used to be listening to and studying, or I may break it down step-by-step myself in order that I used to be a person who naturally attracted ladies who had been proper for me.
I needed to take child steps. I set a aim for what I needed to be – An throughout superior man who may make individuals snort and smile, valued myself, and was pushed and enthusiastic about life.
It began with determining what a pleasant man really meant.
I learn books, PUA materials, requested ladies, males, associates, and talked endlessly about the best way to overcome this problem in my life. I used to be going to do no matter it took to get this dealt with.
After plenty of digging and analysis I had found out what a “good man” really was.
It was a well mannered method of a lady telling me that I lacked private boundaries, I went above and past to please them, whereas not giving myself what I wanted as a person.
That’s repulsive to ladies. A person might be many issues, however missing self care will not be considered one of them. I used to be consistently placing everybody else earlier than me as an alternative of caring for myself.
Via trial and error over the previous 10 years I realized the best way to change into a person that’s assured in myself and not a “good man”.
Right here’s what I did to beat “good man syndrome”:
ADVICE 1 : IT’S OK TO CARE, BUT I DON’T HAVE TO SACRIFICE
One of many greatest components with good guys is that they suppose that in the event that they don’t care and go to the top of the earth for somebody, they’re a foul particular person.
This morning I used to be talking with a good friend in Japan who’s going by way of a difficult time. The previous me would have tried to offer recommendation and inform her all the things is okay. The brand new me listens and acknowledges somebody for the place they’re at, and acknowledges they’re going by way of a tough time.
I’m not liable for making everybody else’s life round me good. It’s alright to care about somebody, however that doesn’t imply I have to sacrifice all of my vitality to attempt to assist them. Take into consideration how the flight attendant says put your oxygen masks on first. If you’re useless emotionally, how will you save another person?
ADVICE 2 : SAY NO
I needed to study to cease agreeing to all the things as a result of I assumed it was the correct factor to do. My time is efficacious and I have to deal with myself first. That meant saying no to additional work hours, relationships that weren’t serving me, saying no to charities asking for cash that I didn’t consider in, or somebody asking for assist after I was unfold too skinny.
ADVICE 3 : FRIEND AUDIT
Sticking with the identical associates that I had for a very long time felt loyal and trustworthy. These are two traits I extremely worth.
Nonetheless, hanging out with associates that aren’t motivated, wish to get drunk on a regular basis, and have an total adverse outlook on life was not serving me.
I needed to allow them to go. By not setting boundaries with my male relationships, my relationships with ladies could be affected too.
Lots of people will get hung up on this level. “It sounds egocentric to simply lower individuals out of your life like that.”
The purpose isn’t to kick your folks to the curb that not meet your wants. You’ll be able to enormously decrease the period of time you spend with them, or make it conditional about when and the place you do it.
Right here’s how I consider who I’m prepared to spend time with:
I take note of their alternative of phrases. Are they typically constructive and optimistic? Are they adverse and pessimistic?
How do you’re feeling after an interplay with them? Do you’re feeling uplifted and joyful, or drained and unhappy?
If I really feel good after being round that particular person, I’m more likely to proceed to hang around with them. If I really feel like I’ve to have my very own private psychological warfare combating off their negativity I’m much less more likely to wish to hang around with them.
Everybody goes by way of difficult instances of their life and can be adverse or really feel down for durations of time. The purpose the place it’s unhealthy and might’t proceed is when it’s a power problem that the opposite particular person isn’t prepared to check out. Have they been adverse and stagnant of their life for years? In all probability not one of the best particular person to be round if that’s the case.
ADVICE 4 : YOU ARE NOT A DOORMAT
I may not be the middle for jokes, or individuals speaking all the way down to me. Even when they had been older or my boss at work, I let or not it’s identified that I didn’t settle for that form of habits in the direction of me. In flip I needed to deal with myself with a better normal as properly.
Right here is how I’d play this out in an actual state of affairs. Let’s fake somebody made a snide comment about me in a method that was greater than a joke.
I’ll personally deal with the particular person I’ve a difficulty with. When performed in a bunch, the chance of them getting defensive is way larger. I’d pull them apart in order that they know I’m not publicly difficult them.
Discuss to them in a direct, however non threatening method. This implies you’ll be able to discuss calmly and softly to them, you don’t have to yell or have anger in your voice.
This communicates that you just aren’t difficult them, you’re speaking your wants.
In the event that they reply with “I’m joking, why are you so uptight?” then I’d say one thing like, “I perceive, however I don’t enable individuals to speak about me like that.” – You’ll be able to say this in a light-weight hearted tone that reveals you aren’t taking it TOO critically. In the event that they remark again in any form of method that claims “they had been joking”, use the damaged file technique and repeat your response.
It’s not what you say, it’s the way you say it. This could take some apply to get down, however you’ll grasp it with time.
ADVICE 5 : SELF ACCEPTANCE
Accepting the place I used to be at in life emotional, bodily, and with ladies was necessary. Regardless that I had a robust need to proceed to develop in each method, pushing myself tougher and in search of exterior components to really feel higher, at all times left me in search of the following type of validation. As soon as I realized that I needed to change into joyful and worth myself first earlier than I obtained a relationship, all the things turned a lot simpler.
Creating this a part of myself took plenty of time. It’s nonetheless one thing I proceed to work on daily. The factor about changing into a greater man and really changing into somebody who is devoted to bettering himself is a long run dedication. Tips and ways work, however they’ll solely take you up to now. To actually see outcomes it’s important to be prepared to place within the time and dedication. “30 Challenges – 30 Days – Zero Excuses” is a superb place to start out. Are you prepared?
– Featured Picture Copyright: Dr. Robert Glover
“You’re very nice and that scares me.”