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Things I Would Do If I Were Stuck In An Elevator

November 5, 2010 by
My company moved offices last week. Our old building had elevators that were covered in mirrors that made you look really fat. They hurt my self-esteem on a daily basis. So, I was pretty excited to see the elevators at the new office were not mirrored. Well, I was excited about them until I got into one and the doors didn’t shut completely but the elevator started to go down anyway. Not super comforting. I can’t decide which is worse, the apparent lack of safety in the new elevators or the soul-crushing of the old elevators. I’ll probably just take the stairs from now on. Except that the stairs in the new office look like they might be haunted. Love. It.
Anyway this experience forced me to think about what I would do in case I got stuck in the probably haunted, at the very least not safe, elevator at work. This is the list I came up with. I am now completely prepared for the worst. Except for the haunted part, I really need to get a plan together in case of ghosts. In fact, I can’t believe I don’t already have one. I’m not as prepared for life as I thought I was if I don’t have a haunting contingency plan.
Note: This list assumes I have my purse with me. Also, you should know I have a lot of things in my purse.
1. Create my own language. I might do this even if I don’t get stuck in an elevator. But I was just thinking that getting stuck in an elevator is probably really motivating and since I would be facing death I would probably want to leave something behind to be remembered for. I’m pretty sure my language would have a lot of z’s in it. I bet someone deliberately traps me in an elevator now because they are so eager to hear the language I create, but don’t do it people, these things need to happen naturally.
2. Write down all the animals I can think of and then alphabetize them. I bet I could think of a lot of animals and I really like to alphabetize things. This would be a pretty excellent time killer. And hey, an alphabetized list of animals would make a really great present to give to someone. I’m nothing if not a multi-tasker.
3. Practice my dance moves. Getting stuck in an elevator would be a stellar opportunity to perfect my killer moves. Also, I might create some new dance moves that would be so amazing they would create world peace. Is there a Nobel prize for dancing? Probably not, because everyone knows I would win every year and that might seem unfair to people after a while.
4. Write a song parody to the alphabet song. How could I even do this? Magic. Also, the language I create might have a part in it.
5. Try to communicate with the ghosts in the elevator. Obviously, the elevator is haunted, otherwise, how would it have gotten stuck? Duh. Everyone knows that if an elevator gets stuck it’s because it’s haunted. I bet they would be pretty cool ghosts and after we talked for a while they might feel kind of bad about trapping me and then tell me some secrets that would make me really rich to apologize. Thanks ghosts, I’m really glad we had a chance to talk, and don’t worry about trapping me, it makes for a good story.
6. Write a treatise on something revolutionary. I’ve always wanted to do this. Getting stuck in an elevator is as good an opportunity as any other. Also, I bet if you’re stuck in an elevator a lot of things become really clear to you.
7. Take a nap. I might be in there a while and I really need my rest if I’m going to do 1-6.
What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator???

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