March 8, 2011 by
You know them. You loathe them. We all do.
They are the One-Uppers. They are those that always have a better story, a worse sickness, a better car, a better haircut, a harder work assignment, a sexier lover, a whatever it takes to one-up whatever it is you have. They suck. Not because you suspect they are liars and not because they are constantly trying to outdo you but because they are annoying as hell. And why are they annoying? Because they are most likely liars and they are always trying to outdo you. It’s a vicious cycle. But you can’t avoid them because THEY ARE EVERYWHERE. Which has led me to believe that they are aliens that are slowly but surely invading our planet and posing as humans in order to vanquish the human species through sheer annoyance. ALIENS.
Well I got you figured out you stupid aliens. And I’m not going down without a fight. I declare WAR on you One-Uppers (I assume the name of your home planet is Oneupperus). That’s right. WAR. But it’s going down non-violently. I wouldn’t give you the satisfaction of unleashing a large can of whoop-ass on you (because I assume, given your record, that you have a keg of whoop-ass which would be much larger than my can). I plan on doing this the Contrary way. By making you laugh so hard you pee yourselves and then are shamed (you know, because you peed yourself) into leaving this planet. Also- when you bait me with your one-uppityness I will not get annoyed, I will merely give you a look of pity because, hey alien, I see your game for what it is. I’m no fool. And don’t think I’m not going to “out” you to the world. Every single time you try to play the one-up card, I am going to respond by saying “Are you an alien?” BOOM. I just rocked your world. Now you are going to have to flee back to Oneupperus because I got everyone thinking about how you probably are an alien. BOOM BOOM. Look at me dropping truth bombs on you. In. Your. Faces. (Plural because I’m pretty sure you have more than one face…….WAIT……..are you in cahoots with the two-faces? Awww man- this war just got all kinds of inter-galactic)
In conclusion, you have been found out. And because my war on you isn’t violent, but I will still be saving my beloved planet Earth, I’m pretty sure I’m going to get like 100 Nobel Peace Prizes. Also, I’m going to write a book about our war and then I will win a Nobel Prize for Literature. One-up that suckas!!!!
March 8, 2011 by