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What-Up Cinco De Mayo!

If you grew up in Texas, like I did, then you know all about Cinco De Mayo. Going to school in Texas on May 5th is a blast. You do fun art projects, listen to great music, usually see a folklorico performance, and eat chips and salsa in every class. So, pretty much a regular day for me. Cinco De Mayo, like Saint Patrick’s Day, is a super good excuse for grown-ups to wear things they normally wouldn’t and drink copious amounts of alcoholic beverages. Hey, we have to celebrate right?
But, did you know there are other, non-alcohol related holidays trying to encroach on Cinco De Wonderful??! Neither did I, until yesterday when I was doing some research for a Cinco De Mayo post (this one in fact….). But the awful truth is that there are other “holidays” celebrated on the 5th of May- and they have it out for Cinco De Mayo. Not on my watch. I’m going to expose and ridicule these “holidays” until the bury their heads in shame and back the hell away from the 5th of May. Actually, that would make a good slogan for my war on these “holidays”…….”Back the hell away from the 5th of May.” BOOM.
National Hoagie Day. Are you serious? Hoagies want their own day now??? Greedy little sandwiches. It’s not enough that they have like a million calories and are directly contributing to obesity (I also heard they fund terrorism but I don’t have a confirmation on that yet) now they want to try and outdo the muy delicioso food of Mexico that is served on Cinco De Mayo? Boy Hoagies, you sure have some balls to try and make Cinco De Mayo about food that isn’t even remotely Mexican. You better back off! If you don’t I’m going to start a rumor that you’re just a dressed up submarine sandwich. Oh wait, I guess that’s true. OK. New plan. I’m going to start a rumor that you’re the bastard son of a panini. That’s right. You better check yourself before you wreck yourself.
Oyster Day. Oh hell to the no! Didn’t I just go over this with the Hoagies??? Stop trying to butt-in on a day that already has delicious food. Oysters? C’mon. Seriously. C’mon. I mean, c’mon. This is absurd. I don’t know why you Oysters thought you even had a chance to trump Cinco De Mayo. As an aphrodisiac I believe you would be much better suited to Valentine’s Day. What? You think you can just get eaten on Cinco De Mayo and make everyone so lusty they are too distracted to enjoy the real holiday? Too late sucka, I’m pretty sure tequila has led to more lusty encounters and Cinco De Mayo and tequila go hand-in-hand. BOOM. You got outplayed. Lame effort.
Y’all need to be on your guard on Cinco De Mayo. Watch out for Hoagies and Oysters- they may be nothing more than food to you but don’t underestimate their power to lure you away from what you should be really celebrating.
And what you should really be celebrating is the awesome defeat of the massive French army by Mexican soldiers in Puebla in 1862. You see, the French ruled by Napoleon III decided they were going to create a new empire in Mexico (also they totally wanted to resupply and reinforce the American Confederate Army) so they invaded Mexico. Those jerks. But Texas-born General Zaragosa wasn’t having it. He and his army defeated the French in a major way with fewer men who were less equipped. Boo-ya. You might wonder why this matters considering the French actually prevailed eventually (although not for long)? Because the defeat of the French on May 5th in Puebla prevented the French from supplying the Confederate Army in the US (keep in mind this was in the middle of the US Civil War). Had the French not been defeated, they may have been able to prolong the American Civil War by supplying and reinforcing the Confederate Army. And who’s to say what might have been if that happened??? And THAT ladies and gentlemen is why we celebrate Cinco De Mayo. Hoagies and Oysters can’t even come close to competing with that.
See how I snuck a history lesson in this post?? I’m crafty like that.