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Xmas Particular – Consumerism, Relationships and Our Existential Paradigm

It’s probably the most fantastic time of the yr and oddly sufficient I don’t really feel so fantastic. I’m sitting at an previous desk manufactured from uncooked wooden inside a ravishing little cabin someplace in West Austria. The snowflakes are shyly making their first look and the view out of the window can’t be characterised one thing lower than trippy and majestic. Many would have paid hundreds of {dollars} to expertise this sense, however fortunately sufficient my girlfriend owns a spot on this considerably forgotten a part of the world.
Earlier this morning I wakened with a wierd feeling and a few open-ended questions touring by my head. Why am I failing to reconcile with this time of the yr? Aren’t I imagined to let the Christmas spirit soak up me and get misplaced in a journey filled with snowy tales, with the sound of Christmas carols accompanying me alongside the best way?
Most of us have a extremely robust reminiscence of Christmas. I bear in mind mine was of a Christmas virtually 23 years in the past. I bear in mind being underneath one thing. It was a desk, I noticed a desk leg, I noticed the legs of the individuals, and a portion of the tablecloth hanging down. It was darkish underneath there, I favored being underneath there. It should have been in England. I should have been 5 years previous. It was 1991.
I felt good underneath the desk. No person appeared to note that I used to be there. I may see the silhouettes of the individuals by the white tablecloth. I favored their silhouettes. The individuals themselves weren’t that fascinating, not just like the tablecloth, not just like the desk leg, not like their silhouettes.
I bear in mind the primary feeling that commanded my presence that day may solely be characterised by one however extremely robust phrase – void. It was a sense of vacancy that I couldn’t actually perceive the place was coming from. Being 5 years previous doesn’t actually work to your benefit if you attempt to determine the world.
Nearly 23 years later this sense continues to be there. However in all probability not for a similar causes. Again then, I used to be feeling a bit remoted and lonely due to my childhood insecurities. At this time this loneliness is changed by a unique sort of loneliness. I prefer to name it the loneliness of the thoughts. It’s the sort of loneliness that stems from years of attempting to discover and comprehend this wondrous expertise referred to as life, however legendarily failing to take action. It’s a loneliness that everyone experiences and it one way or the other will get amplified throughout this time of the yr. The irony. The time of the yr the place we’re imagined to really feel extra intimate, extra loving, extra giving, extra shut to one another.
That’s in all probability the rationale I made a decision to write down this text. To discover a means escape the loneliness of my thoughts. Within the subsequent paragraphs, you can see some scattered concepts and ideas about subjects that dominate our actuality this time of the yr. Matters like consumerism, relationships, intimacy and ultimately a approach to manifest our existence. Don’t fear in the event you get misplaced within the translation of those ideas. In any case, you possibly can by no means actually end up in the event you don’t get misplaced first.
Consumerism – Attempting to Fill the Void
A latest story in my native newspaper handled a sad-case household. The son was in jail for drug dealing and his mom was attempting desperately to discover a approach to give her son hope. The reporter of the story described the mom as a really empathetic and beneficiant girl in her late 60s that was residing in the identical home she used to share together with her son earlier than he went to jail. She was devastated by the incident and was looking for methods to make him really feel higher. She was notably motivated to get again her son’s 2000 BMW and 2001 Dodge Viper that was confiscated after he went to jail. In her thoughts, that will give him some hope for the long run.
The remainder of the article tries to give attention to how the mom is affected by the incident and likewise how different moms expertise and address such occasions of their lives. But, what attracted my curiosity was that this mom had strongly related the vehicles with the thought of hope. An concept whose entirety can’t be concretely understood by many people and consequently creates false associations in our minds and in the best way we view consumerism on the whole.
Consumerism is usually a devastating psychological habit that saps our monetary assets, well-being, and hope. In our try and fill a void that stems from a usually hopeless life, consumerism is a means for a lot of to hunt momentary success and pleasure. It’s what consultants prefer to name extrinsic motivation and it reaches its peak throughout Christmas season.
Extrinsically motivated individuals, give attention to monetary acquire, their look, and social reputation. They often search acceptance by one thing or somebody outdoors themselves.
The other of extrinsic motivation is intrinsic motivation. Intrinsic motivation is represented by self-acceptance, affiliation, and group feeling.
Intrinsically motivated individuals are pushed by their very own values and don’t really feel the must be accepted by some outdoors entity. Maybe most significantly, it seems that those that are probably the most extrinsically motivated, and keep that means for a very long time, start to lose contact with their genuine intrinsic motivations — the issues in life that carry them probably the most pleasure. As they regularly search monetary acquire and recognition by others, in a seemingly steady show of profligate consumption, they discover that they’ve grow to be addicted. Discovering their means again to their true selves turns into an amazing process.
Additional, they’re usually not even conscious that this vicious cycle is going on and proceed to ramp-up their acquisitive way of life, continuously looking for that which is able to make them really feel fulfilled. It simply by no means appears to occur they usually grow to be depressed and infrequently describe being “misplaced”.
Throughout my unending journey in direction of a purposeful life outlined by success and freedom, I’ve discovered myself in many alternative elements of the patron spectrum. I’ve been a grasping shopper, I’ve been a acutely aware shopper and I’ve additionally been a decent shopper. In each single a part of the spectrum, I can’t actually bear in mind experiencing emotions of maximum pleasure, success, or freedom. Sure, I might need thought for a small time interval that I used to be the king of the world however this was so momentary that it didn’t actually make sense to me.
Once I realized that momentary joys are usually not actually my factor I began on the lookout for different sources of success. Sources that may make this filling extra lasting and enduring. On this search, I stumbled upon concepts had a serious influence on the best way I seen consumerism and spending on the whole. I turned extra acutely aware and extra sensible with my spending. I attempted to shift my mentality from the one among a shopper to the one among an investor. And this ultimately helped me internalize the true which means and significance of cash, the best way identical means it’s acknowledged in Tony Robbin’s final e book:
”In the long run, cash isn’t what we’re after . . . is it? What we’re actually after are the sentiments, the feelings, we expect cash can create:
that feeling of empowerment,
of freedom,
of safety,
of serving to these we love and people in want,
of getting a alternative, and
of feeling alive.”
With the ability to expertise all these emotions, helped me bear such a mentality shift that ultimately created a concrete feeling of abundance in my life. And abundance is presumably the one notion that may be strongly related to the thought of intrinsic motivation and the best way this influences our lives and relationships.
The Relationship Paradox
Relationships. What a magical phrase. A phrase that’s extensively desired but additionally extensively misunderstood. Folks prefer to assume they’ve solved the connection equation, however what turned obvious to me these days is that the extra we attempt to clear up it the extra we are likely to method a relationship paradox.
“The connection paradox” is a time period that doesn’t exist in dictionaries. Nor has it been extensively debated by relationship consultants and different seemingly profitable individuals within the subject. It’s a time period that hasn’t actually been talked about within the weblog aside from the “Intimacy and Eroticism” article, however it’s an concept that has at all times been troubling me and I’ve at all times discovered it difficult to outline it concretely and precisely. However, I’ll give it a attempt.
I prefer to name “the connection paradox” our incapability to take care of a long-lasting feeling of abundance on the subject of {our relationships}. In a extra simplistic means, I might describe it as our tendency to maneuver away from an individual once we come extraordinarily near them and likewise our tendency to need them nearer once they take a distance from us.
That’s, the nearer we get to the opposite particular person, the extra we’re afraid that this sense of abundance will probably be jeopardized. We take a step again, we discover shelter in isolation, we really feel plentiful once more just for a short while after which we crawl again like little beggars. And this results in a vicious circle of distrust and imbalance.
This paradox causes excessive ranges of frustration amongst generations of women and men who, due to this conundrum, like to offer a bleak which means to the way forward for their relationships.
For me, nevertheless, the long run is at all times a spot of enjoyable. Though I like to think about myself an individual of presence, future is a spot the place this presence will ultimately develop to one thing stronger, one thing grandiose, one thing difficult, one thing contemporary and distinctive.
I used the phrase distinctive as a result of uniqueness is a time period that, for me, is strongly related to “the connection paradox” and can be in all probability the one time period that may assist us attain a attainable answer to this unreasonable however current insanity.
Take a step again and take a look at the larger image for a second. What do you see? You see your previous, your presence, and your future. You see an individual who was born alone and can ultimately die alone. Alone in a relatively distinctive actuality that’s outlined by moments of shared uniqueness and emotions of abundance which might be skilled solely when this uniqueness is shared.
In our lives, we crave for intimacy. An intimacy that may by no means be achieved in its entirety if it’s not precisely outlined. With out defining what we actually need, we are going to by no means be able to attaining it.
Women and men, men and women discover themselves continuously on a quest for this intimacy. A quest that’s frequently assaulted by concepts like feminism, redpillism, patriarchy, misogyny, misandry, and different scandalous phrases.
In the long run the winner takes all of it but it surely doesn’t take lengthy for the winner to comprehend that his victory will flip into ashes in his mouth. And the one reminiscence he will probably be left with is the reminiscence of an individual who gained however this victory bought him up to now.
At any time when I attempt to outline the time period intimacy, I by no means like utilizing the phrase sport for its definition. Video games are for teenagers and though typically they’re essential for mind stimulation functions, excessive publicity to them will make you overlook that you’re not a child anymore. The way in which I prefer to outline intimacy is through the use of the phrase duty.
Duty in direction of myself and likewise in direction of the opposite particular person. Duty that I’ll give my greatest self for this intimacy to outlive and flourish.
Women and men prefer to assume that once they discover themselves in a relationship, the opposite particular person owes them the world. Women and men want to grasp that nobody owes you something. You’re the one who owes all the pieces to your self. You owe to your self the duty that comes together with your uniqueness and the way this uniqueness is mirrored to the opposite particular person and ultimately to the world. The one means for this uniqueness to discover a place in intimacy is by being continuously conscious of it and investing in it, in a means that may assist it’s recognized, appreciated, revered and ultimately shared within the type of intimacy.
Women and men must cease on the lookout for solutions to unreasonable questions. Males must cease asking:
How do I grow to be higher in mattress?
How do I method a woman?
How do I grow to be wealthy?
How do I grow to be extra enticing?
How do I grow to be much less needy?
How do I get out of the buddy zone?
How do I get her quantity?
Girls must cease asking:
Why does she get extra likes than me?
Why is he ignoring me?
Do I look fats?
Why doesn’t he take heed to me?
Why is he so cussed?
Why is he testing different women?
As an alternative, each women and men must focus extra on questions like:
What did I do immediately that helped me develop?
What did I do immediately that helped me escape isolation?
Did I make anybody snicker?
Did I make anybody cry?
Did I give myself to somebody?
Did I put money into myself the best way I actually need to?
Did I put money into my uniqueness?
Did I flip this uniqueness into intimacy?
When these solutions grow to be a part of an individual’s actuality, even when they’re partially answered, they’ll have a huge effect on the best way the particular person’s notion works and likewise the best way this particular person views its relationships and uniqueness.
Life-defining questions stem from life-defining moments and as I’ve acknowledged prior to now all these questions have arisen from quite a few life defining moments I’ve skilled to date. Happily, or sadly, not all of us get the prospect to expertise life-defining moments as a result of not all of us are curious sufficient to pursue them.
My fixed want to reply all these questions has led me, nevertheless, to a very powerful query of all. How does one outline our existential paradigm?
Our Existential Paradigm
Whereas I used to be writing this text, I wasn’t actually involved about its construction and psychological coherence. As I stated to start with, these are all scattered concepts and ideas that derive from the truth that I can not precisely outline the sensation of vacancy that surrounds us this time of the yr.
In a considerably weird vogue, nevertheless, by this chaotic considering, I managed to attach some dots that led me to a really unusual but additionally cheap realization. Our existence is a mixture of the 2 following concepts:
The concept of mind stimulation.
The concept of a relentless wrestle to defy our human nature.
Let me elaborate a bit. We often prefer to assume that we stroll by life with a function. A function that’s the shifting energy behind our actions and selections. This function, nevertheless, is misplaced in a means as a result of it has by no means been precisely outlined and generally those who outlined it weren’t actually us.
We’ve been informed from a younger age that we have to research and work and have a household and all. However nobody ever defined to us how and why. How and why are parameters of our existential paradigm which might be so vaguely outlined that may solely contribute to a extra obscure concept of existence.
The 2 concepts talked about above are usually not a way to an finish. This was by no means my intention and it’ll by no means be. They derive from a lifetime of pursuing robust concepts and beliefs and might solely be characterised as a abstract of what I’ve skilled in my pursuit up to now.
Mind stimulation is the reply to the “how” parameter. Mind stimulation is no matter we expertise and helps us enhance the degrees of the so-called “comfortable hormones” in our mind. Hormones like serotonin, endorphins, dopamine and adrenaline to call however a couple of. These hormones could cause excessive ranges of mind stimulation, enhance our happiness and ultimately assist us really feel alive.
The essentiality of mind stimulation and its significance in our lives can’t be understated. It’s the primary issue that controls our actions and may assist us shed some gentle of reasoning on a few of our most unreasonable actions. It’s the cause we love alcohol, we love intercourse, we love medication, we love good meals, we love excessive pace, we love good music.
Defying our human nature, alternatively, is the reply to the “why” parameter. This concept is strongly related to impulses which might be being imposed on us by the extra primitive elements of our mind. Impulses that within the olden days have been important for our survival however in our trendy days, they have an inclination to enslave us in a extra primitive mind-set. A mind-set that sadly slows down our progress and evolution.
I like to make use of the phrase wrestle within the definition of this concept as a result of with a purpose to defy these primitive impulses, we have to wrestle and typically even endure. It isn’t straightforward to maneuver past a primitive mindset to a extra superior and humanistic one. Evolution has proven that the extra our mind develops, the extra we grow to be able to defying and balancing these impulses. Nonetheless, this course of can’t actually be internalized if one doesn’t actually comprehend its significance and its position in a single’s evolution and progress.
Defying our human nature one way or the other collides with the thought of mind stimulation and it typically even tries to sabotage its existence. That, nevertheless, is for the very best. Turning into a mind stimulation slave will ultimately result in unintended penalties as regards to your relationships with others. The rationale behind that is that though there may be sufficient enjoyable for all of us on this world, this enjoyable can’t be skilled by all of us on the identical time. There’s a stability that must be established and that is to say not less than truthful.
Discovering your private stability between these two parameters will certainly make your function much less obscure. Whether or not it is possible for you to to see it solely or not, that I don’t know. Your uniqueness will play its position on this.
The Finish
After virtually 3000 phrases, I feel it’s time for me to take a break from this try to flee the loneliness of my thoughts. I gained’t mislead you, I do really feel a bit much less lonely. By some means the writing course of is a means for me to defy my human nature and this could really assist me flip my vacancy into success.
Nonetheless, I feel I defied my human nature sufficient for immediately. I assume I deserve some moments of mind stimulation and enjoyable. I assume it’s my mind telling me in its personal means that once I was hiding underneath that desk 23 years in the past, it wasn’t due to insecurity and loneliness. It was a means for me to have enjoyable. Enjoyable by attempting to determine a which means behind these bizarre silhouettes and ultimately attempt to play with them.
These bizarre silhouettes will ultimately sooner or later grow to be actual figures, actual individuals. Folks that may be formed and molded the best way I need to.
Folks that may play with me the best way I actually need to play.
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